Lots of changes

Since my last entry here. I joined a local gym in August and began taking water aerobic classes twice a week shortly there after. I have lost 36 inches and 35 pounds since then. I work out almost every day. I am eating better for the most part as well. My diabetes medication has been decreased. my goal is to get off of it totally and permanently. Not sure what precipitated such a change. I am sure part of it was allowing myself to get truly angry at what I have endured in my life. I blamed myself for everything and hid under layers of fat. No one could truly get close if I was hidden. I am done hiding. Done being a door mat. Done allowing others to tell me how I "should" think, feel or act. The past is gone, I was not to blame and I will never hid from the world again. Compliments used to scare me, send me running for the comfort of junk food, but no longer. Now I simply smile and say Thank you, and mean it. These are good changes for me. Who knows, I may actually grow into a full human being that I can totally love and accept one day. *giggles* Maybe someone else will know the me within and love me too. Miracles happen all around us every day. Why not?

14 months?

Hard to believe I have not made an entry here in 14 months. Time flies when you get older. The past months have not been wasted. I am still very much a work in progress, but can see a big change in me. I no longer allow myself to be a doormat for others. I still try to help when and where I can, but I only do so when I can.

I have a new grand child. A beautiful girl named Madisyn Paige joined my family on Jan 7th of this year. She is doing well, growing like a weed. Jackson is getting therapy and attends a special needs preschool twice a week. He is talking a mile a minute, and acts very much like a normal 2 year old. The ventricle in his brain is larger than it was a few months ago, so we are watching him closely for any signs that the pressure in his brain is increasing. Jordan played basketball in a county league this winter. He was more intererested in flirthing with the girls than playing. Toby also played basketball and did very well. He enjoys the game, and it s good for him. He is now on 3 medications to control his ADHD. So far, so good. My daughter is planning to have a lap band procedire done to help her lose weight. It seems such a drastic step, but she has a very large amount to lose and it should help her.

I am now on medication to help control my diabetes. As much as I dislike medication, it is helping. I have not lost much weight in the past 14 months, about 10 pounds. My doctor is not happy about that and neither am I. The last month or so I am trying harder to lose, and being more careful of what I eat.

I am much happier now than I was 14 months ago. I still struggle with my past, but it is easier. O look at my childhood, how I felt and am truly proud of my progress. I have had no flashbacks as of late. I am better about standing up for myself, and my self esteem has risen. I am celibate, by choice. My molestation made me feel like I was not human. I was nothing but an object, unworth of love, to be used for one thing and one thing only. The right man is worth waiting for. I do not deserve to be used and thrown aside. With Gods help I will remain celibate until I find the man He means for me. If there is not one, then so be it.