I did it again, will I never learn

I did it again. I allowed John back into my life and my heart. And once again he walked away. He finally called me starting in January, went to lunch to talk about issues he was having in his relationship. I talked to him as a friend and hope what I told him made sense. Of course I did not tell him that my heart was still his. A couple of weeks later he called at 4 am in tears. He said he needed to talk and of course I was not going to turn him away. When he got here, the first words from him were :Will you marry me?" I was shocked, elated,, scared, almost every possible emotion all at once. He told me that he has always loved me, and could no longer run from it. That he knows he has hurt me before but wants one more chance to prove his love. I should have known better. I should have said no, but I couldn't...I love him too much.
He moved in, and at first it was awesome. He gave me a wedding ring, saying it was to prove to me he is serious this time. They went into the safe, as the family would freak out of they knew. I hugged the knowledge close to my heart. Then he started to go silent, complain about my grandkids and me and my daughter yelling at them. He spent more time in our bedroom, either asleep or watching television. When I would come in to join him, he rarely spoke and often it was to tell me to leave him alone, that I was smothering him. He hated the kids being disrespectful of me and always talking back. One day he had enough and snapped. He did not become violent but he did go off on the oldest about the way he treated me. It was quite honestly the first and only time someone has stood up for me. My daughter went off on him for yelling at her son and the whole thing escalated out of control. My daughter took all the kids and left. Needless to say I was upset, but there was no reason for her to have left. He blamed himself, saying he had destroyed my family. I never blamed him for her decision. He told me a few days later he was going to spend the weekend at his brothers house to clear his head.  He called me a few hours after leaving for his brothers to tell me he was on his way home. He had not gone to see his brother and had never intended to. He was at the home of his ex instead. The first lie, but far from the last. Before he left me, he admitted that he had lied when he told me he was working overtime, and was at someone elses home. As my faith in him eroded, my fear grew and my own behavior changed. I could not love him the way he deserved. I became critical and yelled a lot.It was not anger but pain changing me.  

The kids came home and it was worse than ever. Over time it degraded so much that I threw my eldest grandson out. He needs help, which my daughter and his father refuse to get him. I have told them so but am ignored. He was awarded 60% disability from the army and we discussed what he was going to do with his back pay. I suggested making a list of the things he wanted to do and prioritize it. 
He had lunch with his sister in alw and visited with a friend the next day. A few days later John told me he was leaving after he got his back pay from his military disability.  I did not know he had already arranged to buy a home. When I found out I agreed to help him fix it up before he moved in. I cleaned the stove, pulled up carpet, baseboard, etc and did anything I could to help even as it broke my heart. He said that we would fix it up and try to work things out with the aim of eventually renting one out for extra income.
John moved out on June 2nd. On his birthday June 25th he showed up here to return a couple of things I had left at his new home, and he had another woman with him. He called me to ask me to come to his house and get the last of my things which I did,, hoping we could talk. Instead I found the other woman there, adn he told me she is moving in with him. 
It is just over a month since he left. I cry every day, I have never hurt so badly. I know I had to let him go but the pain is still there. I am blessed to have a few people I can talk to. I am worried about him as odd as that may seem. The woman he is with is the one he was with while we were apart last time. Since they are back together he has removed Christian from his profile and removed a quote he had up about God. All I can do is pray for him. That he will not lose his faith and his soul. I also pray for myself, just to survive this pain and maybe one day find love again.

Thirty days post op

I finally caved in and got my left hip replaced. I was only in the hospital overnight. Recovery is slow, painful and depressing. I am finally at least able to get in and out of bed without help. Took the last injection to prevent clots today, my belly is a mass of bruises but they will soon heal. Off the methadone for pain for over 2 weeks. It still hurts but not as bad as I had feared. Saw the surgeon and got my stitch out. Yup it was one long running stitch. Removal felt very odd but not at all painful.

1-13-12
Last week I lost 2 people I love. Joe and my great aunt Mable both passed away on Jan 5th. Mable died of old age. She was my grannies’ last sister. Only 2 boys remain of the ten siblings. She was a central part of what childhood memories I possess but I had not seen her since mom passed away. I did not even know she was gone until after her funeral. I really wish that the family I do have left would consider at least letting me know when someone is ill or passes away.

The other person I lost was Joe Hess. According to his cousin Joe died of an accidental overdose of pain meds. He and I had dated for a long time and were supposed to get married but split up a couple of years ago. I found out he had cheated and left him. We last spoke shortly before Christmas. He had married and was living in Austin. However he was not happy in his marriage or new home. He wanted another chance for us to work things out. Not only because of his past infidelity but also my feelings for John, I refused him. Now I wonder if I had taken him back would he still be alive. Guilt eats at me even though I know it was his time and in Gods hands alone. Despite his problems he had a good heart. His daughter Kaitlyn was the light of his life. I ache for her to lose her father at such a young age. I hope she always remembers how much he loved her. One of the best afternoons we had was when we took an entire afternoon to reconfigure a computer for her to use. I made the opening screen text telling her “Hello Kaitlyn, daddy loves you!“ I feel nothing for the woman he was married to.

My Aunt was buried in the same cemetery as mom, close to her side. She and Joe were both at the same funeral home at the same time. It is the same funeral home where I have said farewell to far too many family members. Joes wife had him cremated, as he had told me he wanted. I do not know where she will bury his ashes. I wish I did so I could go and tell him good bye one last time. Even though we had not seen each other in 2 years I will miss him horribly. I always knew, as did he that we were a phone call away and would always be there for each other. Losing them both hurts more than I can say.

I have tried to call and message John a couple of times with no response. I left him a voice mail yesterday telling him I was just checking in with people I haven’t spoken to in a while, as I lost 2 last week and never want to lose anyone else with them not knowing how much I care about them.

While I know he is working on himself, I also feel he is being selfish. He knows I want to help and refusing to even acknowledge my messages is nothing short of rude. Steven says he thinks that John is playing a game, since he texts me on holidays. I do not think so, but I am well aware that where he is concerned I am far from objective. Intermittently I get angry with him for not being here for me. I think that if he could see beyond his own pain he might get better quicker.

Tony keeps saying he loves me. To be honest it makes me very uncomfortable. I have a feeling that he is only saying it to try and get me into bed. There is so much I do not know about him, and he keeps coming up with reasons we can not spend more time together. Makes me suspicious, and maintain distance that he does not seem to want.

1-16-12
John logged into face book last evening and made 2 posts, one about ptsd and the other about war. I think it was his way of letting me know he is still fighting. I sent him a text simply saying thank you. I also posted on his PTSD post that we will get thru this together and promising never to let him down. Sometimes at night when I turn over its almost as if I can feel his arms around me. I miss him so much. Hopefully in time he will return to me and we can start over again. If not with the Grace of God I will still have a wonderful life.

A new year and new beginnings

First day of a new year. Managed 2.5 hours of sleep thanks to a 4 year old sleeping sideways in my bed and a bad case of swimmers ear. My daughters kitten decided he wanted to overturn and dump 35 ponds of litter then cover my ENTIRE bathroom floor in it! That was such fun to clean up!

Cooked corned beef with cabbage and potatoes for dinner. The 4 year old loves the veggies but not so fond of corned beef. The 2 year old loves corned beef and not the veggies.

The 10 year old made a trip to the E.R. with a case of pink eye. Please God none of the other kids catch it!

Tony has told me twice today that he loves me. I have no idea how he can say that this early in a relationship! I am not nearly to the place where I can even entertain the idea of letting anyone into my heart. I do not want to hurt him, please God help me navigate this mine field.

Started a new bible study and daily devotional today as well. The devotional is a verse or two and a story that illustrates how it applies to our lives. The story today was nearly identical to the last conversation that John and I had. It was about our inner fear that if anyone really knew us they would not only not be able to love us, but would in fact detest us. I couldn’t read it without hearing the words John had said in my head. It is no easier not having him in my life than the day he walked out. I have so much healing to do. I have given John to God in prayer, many time over. Perhaps I am praying for my will rather than Gods in his life. I need to truly release him to God, but after so many years how can I?

Still no

word aside from a generic Happy Thanksgiving. I must find a way to accept what is. I have gone out with 2 more guys. Same result as the first. Perhaps my standards are too high, or perhaps I am choosing them because I know they will not be what I want or need. All I know for sure is that I have to get past the pain. It is not healthy for the kids to see me crying so often, but there are times the sorrow and grief overwhelm we. I try to hide it from them as best I can.

Jackson will be 5 on Friday. I am creating a Thomas the tank engine cake for him. Madi will be 3 shortly after the new year, she wants a cake thats Dora the explorer. No surprise there! She will not be going into the PALS program after all. She tested as high normal in her functions. Heather is going to try and get her into head start. Never have I seen a child so anxious to go to school!

I had a routine CT on my spine 3 months ago to check the fusion and see if it is still solid. The fusion is solid, but they also found 2 lesions on my vertebrae. No idea what they are, was told anything from hemangioma to metastatic cancer. The follow up CT was done last week, and the lesions are GONE. Proof once again that God is working in my life. All my lab work was normal as well. Amazing!

Damn it all!

I am TRULY trying to get over the man who does not want a relationship with me. I have not been sleeping well, cry at the drop of a hat, but was slowly getting better. Talking to other men, even trying to flirt. Good for my ego that others show interest but my heart is still occupied. Today I accepted a date with someone else. We went out The new guy is nice, but all day I found myself wishing that he was not the one here with me. In my mind I compared the two, and the new guy lost on every single comparison. When he kissed me, I felt physically ill. I want no one else near me in any way that is even remotely intimate. It is unfair of me to even try to date anyone until I am truly over the other man. If I never get to that point, then so be it. As the movie Sweet Home Alabama says, "I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I never really got it back."

I remember why I encased my heart in ice,
My feelings were frozen within it.
It was the only way I could survive

You came back into my life.
The ice began to thaw at your voice, and your touch.
Dear Lord, please don’t let these feelings hurt too much.

I thought I had shed my last tear for you,
for what might have been, seems I was wrong.
Have I learned nothing in the intervening years?

I see your tortured memories
The heavy price you pay for being the man you were born to be.
They hurt so deeply your once loving heart has been frozen as mine was.
I am helpless, without a way to help you silence your demons.
I hurt all the more for your hurting.
As you begin to tell me bits and pieces a picture emerges.
We have only scratched the surface of this war.
I can only imagine the hell on this earth you have endured.
All I can do is, listen,
pray and cry silent tears as you finally sleep.
It doesn’t seem enough.
I want nothing more than to make your pain stop,
even if I must take it on myself.
Do I dare to dream that together we can melt the ice and heal.
Or will that dream too bring nothing but pain and sadness.

Did you return to show me again the pain of rejection?
Is there yet another lesson I must learn from you?
God give me the grace to accept what comes, to face my fear,
help me endure the pain and grant me the words to help him heal.

Still this beating heart of mine,
silence the dreams I dared to dream.
Replace them with Your love and acceptance,
not regret for what may never be.
I pray for your health,
That the burdens you carry be lifted
and the peace of God take their place.
I pray for my peace of mind.
And I pray for an unattainable the dream to die.