I did it again, will I never learn

I did it again. I allowed John back into my life and my heart. And once again he walked away. He finally called me starting in January, went to lunch to talk about issues he was having in his relationship. I talked to him as a friend and hope what I told him made sense. Of course I did not tell him that my heart was still his. A couple of weeks later he called at 4 am in tears. He said he needed to talk and of course I was not going to turn him away. When he got here, the first words from him were :Will you marry me?" I was shocked, elated,, scared, almost every possible emotion all at once. He told me that he has always loved me, and could no longer run from it. That he knows he has hurt me before but wants one more chance to prove his love. I should have known better. I should have said no, but I couldn't...I love him too much.
He moved in, and at first it was awesome. He gave me a wedding ring, saying it was to prove to me he is serious this time. They went into the safe, as the family would freak out of they knew. I hugged the knowledge close to my heart. Then he started to go silent, complain about my grandkids and me and my daughter yelling at them. He spent more time in our bedroom, either asleep or watching television. When I would come in to join him, he rarely spoke and often it was to tell me to leave him alone, that I was smothering him. He hated the kids being disrespectful of me and always talking back. One day he had enough and snapped. He did not become violent but he did go off on the oldest about the way he treated me. It was quite honestly the first and only time someone has stood up for me. My daughter went off on him for yelling at her son and the whole thing escalated out of control. My daughter took all the kids and left. Needless to say I was upset, but there was no reason for her to have left. He blamed himself, saying he had destroyed my family. I never blamed him for her decision. He told me a few days later he was going to spend the weekend at his brothers house to clear his head.  He called me a few hours after leaving for his brothers to tell me he was on his way home. He had not gone to see his brother and had never intended to. He was at the home of his ex instead. The first lie, but far from the last. Before he left me, he admitted that he had lied when he told me he was working overtime, and was at someone elses home. As my faith in him eroded, my fear grew and my own behavior changed. I could not love him the way he deserved. I became critical and yelled a lot.It was not anger but pain changing me.  

The kids came home and it was worse than ever. Over time it degraded so much that I threw my eldest grandson out. He needs help, which my daughter and his father refuse to get him. I have told them so but am ignored. He was awarded 60% disability from the army and we discussed what he was going to do with his back pay. I suggested making a list of the things he wanted to do and prioritize it. 
He had lunch with his sister in alw and visited with a friend the next day. A few days later John told me he was leaving after he got his back pay from his military disability.  I did not know he had already arranged to buy a home. When I found out I agreed to help him fix it up before he moved in. I cleaned the stove, pulled up carpet, baseboard, etc and did anything I could to help even as it broke my heart. He said that we would fix it up and try to work things out with the aim of eventually renting one out for extra income.
John moved out on June 2nd. On his birthday June 25th he showed up here to return a couple of things I had left at his new home, and he had another woman with him. He called me to ask me to come to his house and get the last of my things which I did,, hoping we could talk. Instead I found the other woman there, adn he told me she is moving in with him. 
It is just over a month since he left. I cry every day, I have never hurt so badly. I know I had to let him go but the pain is still there. I am blessed to have a few people I can talk to. I am worried about him as odd as that may seem. The woman he is with is the one he was with while we were apart last time. Since they are back together he has removed Christian from his profile and removed a quote he had up about God. All I can do is pray for him. That he will not lose his faith and his soul. I also pray for myself, just to survive this pain and maybe one day find love again.

Thirty days post op

I finally caved in and got my left hip replaced. I was only in the hospital overnight. Recovery is slow, painful and depressing. I am finally at least able to get in and out of bed without help. Took the last injection to prevent clots today, my belly is a mass of bruises but they will soon heal. Off the methadone for pain for over 2 weeks. It still hurts but not as bad as I had feared. Saw the surgeon and got my stitch out. Yup it was one long running stitch. Removal felt very odd but not at all painful.