Finally

My ex who tore my heart to shreds is bringing my things he has stored to my daughters this weekend. No longer will I have to pretend to consider him a friend. He hurt me, lied to me and cheated on me. Why on earth would he think I could ever consider him a friend after all that? He is one of the MOST self centered individuals it has been my misfortune to meet. While a part of me will always love him, for the things I thought he was, I also know he is toxic to me. I saw him as safe when he was anything but. Like my parents he is a narcissist. He believes the world and everyone in it should revolve around his wants, never sparing a thought for anyone else or how his behavior may affect them. Luckily his parents know nothing of the life he lives when out of their sight. I hope his daughters are as lucky. He is now moving in with a female he met on an adult site where they both had posted pictures of very private parts. He calls her a "Lady" but in my eyes she is anything but that. He expects me to be happy for him and be supportive, but there is no way I can or will do so. Then again, perhaps they deserve each other and will be as miserable as he once made me.
As for me, I am doing well. Still going to the gym and water aerobic classes. I failed to work out over the holidays and a deep depression got hold of me. I am shaking it off as best I can. I am determined to find happiness and relcaim my health. I don't care about the number on the scale, or the tag in my jeans. I want to be around long enough to love my great grandkids when I have some. For now, I will spoil the grandkids as much as I can.

Lots of changes

Since my last entry here. I joined a local gym in August and began taking water aerobic classes twice a week shortly there after. I have lost 36 inches and 35 pounds since then. I work out almost every day. I am eating better for the most part as well. My diabetes medication has been decreased. my goal is to get off of it totally and permanently. Not sure what precipitated such a change. I am sure part of it was allowing myself to get truly angry at what I have endured in my life. I blamed myself for everything and hid under layers of fat. No one could truly get close if I was hidden. I am done hiding. Done being a door mat. Done allowing others to tell me how I "should" think, feel or act. The past is gone, I was not to blame and I will never hid from the world again. Compliments used to scare me, send me running for the comfort of junk food, but no longer. Now I simply smile and say Thank you, and mean it. These are good changes for me. Who knows, I may actually grow into a full human being that I can totally love and accept one day. *giggles* Maybe someone else will know the me within and love me too. Miracles happen all around us every day. Why not?

14 months?

Hard to believe I have not made an entry here in 14 months. Time flies when you get older. The past months have not been wasted. I am still very much a work in progress, but can see a big change in me. I no longer allow myself to be a doormat for others. I still try to help when and where I can, but I only do so when I can.

I have a new grand child. A beautiful girl named Madisyn Paige joined my family on Jan 7th of this year. She is doing well, growing like a weed. Jackson is getting therapy and attends a special needs preschool twice a week. He is talking a mile a minute, and acts very much like a normal 2 year old. The ventricle in his brain is larger than it was a few months ago, so we are watching him closely for any signs that the pressure in his brain is increasing. Jordan played basketball in a county league this winter. He was more intererested in flirthing with the girls than playing. Toby also played basketball and did very well. He enjoys the game, and it s good for him. He is now on 3 medications to control his ADHD. So far, so good. My daughter is planning to have a lap band procedire done to help her lose weight. It seems such a drastic step, but she has a very large amount to lose and it should help her.

I am now on medication to help control my diabetes. As much as I dislike medication, it is helping. I have not lost much weight in the past 14 months, about 10 pounds. My doctor is not happy about that and neither am I. The last month or so I am trying harder to lose, and being more careful of what I eat.

I am much happier now than I was 14 months ago. I still struggle with my past, but it is easier. O look at my childhood, how I felt and am truly proud of my progress. I have had no flashbacks as of late. I am better about standing up for myself, and my self esteem has risen. I am celibate, by choice. My molestation made me feel like I was not human. I was nothing but an object, unworth of love, to be used for one thing and one thing only. The right man is worth waiting for. I do not deserve to be used and thrown aside. With Gods help I will remain celibate until I find the man He means for me. If there is not one, then so be it.

Taking care of me

is something I have never been good at. Always too busy watching out for everyone else around me, putting myself last. That has changed. For once I have begun to put my wants and needs first, and to take better care of myself. This blog is part of that.

6 months ago, my doctor told me my diabetes was out of control, my good cholesterol too low, bad cholesterol too high and if I didn't change my ways I was not going to live long. I am ready to meet my maker, but want to be around for my daughter and grandsons as long as I can. So I actually listened. I have made a concerted effort to eat healthier, and move my butt a bit more.

I went for a check up yesterday. To my surprise I cut my bad cholesterol in half, increased my good cholesterol, got my diabetes under much better control, and dropped 45 pounds in the process. I am truly proud of myself. I stopped on the way home and bought the exercise ball and video my doctor suggested. At the moment I am a bit sore from my first work out. Its a great kind of sore though.

Baby steps. One at a time. Taking care of me. Novel concept. Scary. The doctor wants another 45 pounds gone in the next 6 months. That would have me weighing less than since I was 20, when I got pregnant with my daughter. As much as the idea of being attractive and fit scares me, I will not run from it this time. I will protect myself, and do what is best for me.

Change is the only constant....

Jackson is doing well after his surgery. He uses his left side much more than he was. He is pulling up, walking holding onto furniture. Hes talking more as well. The major concern now is that he has stopped growing and has lost a little weight. He is getting supplements every day to increase his caloric intake. If this continues they will be forced to put him thru more tests to find the cause. All I can do is pray.

My friend in NC stopped speaking to me right before Christmas. I had no idea why, but he told me last night that he was hearing things about me. Things that are untrue and hurtful. I have asked him to tell me who said them, but he refuses. He also told me he has been seeing someone here locally, and has been to the area 10 times or so. Not once did he call me, or ask if I wanted to meet. I am hurt, confused. From asking me to stay there during the trial, to not wanting to even meet me. I am so sad, it seems the lies have cost me a precious friendship. We may still talk, but never again will we be so close as we were not so long ago.

I am truly happy he has found someone to bring laughter back into his life. I hope she treats him as he deserves to be treated.

As for me, I will remain alone. Joe called a couple weeks ago, begging for another chance. He said he lost the best thing he ever had when he let me leave him. I prayed about it and agreed to meet him this weekend. I now know it would never work. He won't admit his drinking is a problem, and refuses to even discuss stopping. I deserve better than a drunk.

Death claimed another friend. Not someone I was close to, but I wonder if I will be next. That doesn't sound like a horrible thing. I am in no hurry, but I am most certainly ready. My blood sugars are back under control. Not perfect yet, but my doctor should be pleased.

Just when you think

life can't get any crazier, it does.

Since my last posting a lot has happened. My family has been not so united in deciding my fathers care. I suggest an Alzheimers care facility, my brothers response was to ship dad from sibling to sibling. Now he is considering my suggestion, after watching dad become more agitated and ready to take off again. To be honest as long as he is kept safe,and not taken advantage of, I don't care what they do.

Death has claimed another person in my life. Don was my friend, my lover and one of the best men I have ever known. He reminded me that there are honest and loving people in this world of madness and pain. A lesson I will never forget. He collapsed and died of a massive heart attack while folding newspapers. I could not bring myself to go to the funeral. I want to remember him the way we were. I am glad that I told him I loved him the last time we spoke. No regrets there, but I miss my friend.


The day after Don died, we found out my youngest grandson, Jackson, would have to have a shunt placed in his brain. he was diagnosed prenatally with hydrocephalus, but had needed no treatment until now. He had the surgery last Friday and spent his first birthday on Sunday in the hospital. He wasn't allowed to eat until yesterday, as he had been vomiting since surgery. My poor little man. He has about 20 stitches in the back of his head, and 8 in his tummy. Heather never left his side during the entire ordeal. Shes stronger than she knows. I am so very proud of the woman my daughter has become.

I have been

remiss at posting here lately. Perhaps because my emotions have been in turmoil, and I have no idea what to say. My father has Alzheimer's disease, and lives with my elder brother in Florida. Somehow, he managed to get the keys to a car, and take off. He was found about 24 hours later in a small town just north of Chattanooga, Tenn. He had managed to shred the tires on the car by driving off the road and thru a field to get to a truck stop. He thought he was in Perry county, Ky and close to his sisters home. He reeked of urine, and had clearly not slept. God was watching over him, and the people who run the truck stop were his guardian angels. They knew something was wrong, and talked to him. They let him call his sister, and they called the local police. The tags on the car came back as a missing person, and they managed to keep him there until the police arrived. They also went out and bought him a fresh outfit of clothes, and stayed with him until my brother arrived. They even picked my brother up at the airport and took him to my father. They gave my brother a hat, which reads "Relax, GOD is in control" How very appropriate. I did not sleep the entire time he was missing. I cried rivers of tears, praying he would be safe and not hurt himself or anyone else. I have no desire to see him, but it is important he be safe. Makes no sense, but perhaps in time it will.

Birthdays have never been a source of stress to me. I turned 50 last week, and for some reason it bothers me. I am getting old, alone. I miss having someone special to talk to, cuddle up with and share the good and bad of each day. I know I will probably remain alone for the rest f my life and that hurts. This is not the life I want, and I am struggling to accept it.

My friend in NC is doing better. He had started drinking again, and spent 2 days in the hospital with internal bleeding. He went to an AA meeting last night. I hope and pray he stays sober this time. The trial for his daughters murderer begins in late March. He has asked me to come stay with him during that time, and I am honored to do so. I can' t imagine how hard that will be for him. If I can bring him any small measure of comfort with my presence then that is where I need to be.