Still no

word aside from a generic Happy Thanksgiving. I must find a way to accept what is. I have gone out with 2 more guys. Same result as the first. Perhaps my standards are too high, or perhaps I am choosing them because I know they will not be what I want or need. All I know for sure is that I have to get past the pain. It is not healthy for the kids to see me crying so often, but there are times the sorrow and grief overwhelm we. I try to hide it from them as best I can.

Jackson will be 5 on Friday. I am creating a Thomas the tank engine cake for him. Madi will be 3 shortly after the new year, she wants a cake thats Dora the explorer. No surprise there! She will not be going into the PALS program after all. She tested as high normal in her functions. Heather is going to try and get her into head start. Never have I seen a child so anxious to go to school!

I had a routine CT on my spine 3 months ago to check the fusion and see if it is still solid. The fusion is solid, but they also found 2 lesions on my vertebrae. No idea what they are, was told anything from hemangioma to metastatic cancer. The follow up CT was done last week, and the lesions are GONE. Proof once again that God is working in my life. All my lab work was normal as well. Amazing!

Damn it all!

I am TRULY trying to get over the man who does not want a relationship with me. I have not been sleeping well, cry at the drop of a hat, but was slowly getting better. Talking to other men, even trying to flirt. Good for my ego that others show interest but my heart is still occupied. Today I accepted a date with someone else. We went out The new guy is nice, but all day I found myself wishing that he was not the one here with me. In my mind I compared the two, and the new guy lost on every single comparison. When he kissed me, I felt physically ill. I want no one else near me in any way that is even remotely intimate. It is unfair of me to even try to date anyone until I am truly over the other man. If I never get to that point, then so be it. As the movie Sweet Home Alabama says, "I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I never really got it back."

I remember why I encased my heart in ice,
My feelings were frozen within it.
It was the only way I could survive

You came back into my life.
The ice began to thaw at your voice, and your touch.
Dear Lord, please don’t let these feelings hurt too much.

I thought I had shed my last tear for you,
for what might have been, seems I was wrong.
Have I learned nothing in the intervening years?

I see your tortured memories
The heavy price you pay for being the man you were born to be.
They hurt so deeply your once loving heart has been frozen as mine was.
I am helpless, without a way to help you silence your demons.
I hurt all the more for your hurting.
As you begin to tell me bits and pieces a picture emerges.
We have only scratched the surface of this war.
I can only imagine the hell on this earth you have endured.
All I can do is, listen,
pray and cry silent tears as you finally sleep.
It doesn’t seem enough.
I want nothing more than to make your pain stop,
even if I must take it on myself.
Do I dare to dream that together we can melt the ice and heal.
Or will that dream too bring nothing but pain and sadness.

Did you return to show me again the pain of rejection?
Is there yet another lesson I must learn from you?
God give me the grace to accept what comes, to face my fear,
help me endure the pain and grant me the words to help him heal.

Still this beating heart of mine,
silence the dreams I dared to dream.
Replace them with Your love and acceptance,
not regret for what may never be.
I pray for your health,
That the burdens you carry be lifted
and the peace of God take their place.
I pray for my peace of mind.
And I pray for an unattainable the dream to die.

Confusion reigns

As I approach my 54th birthday, I find I am more confused than ever. I remain alone not because its what I want but because the man I feel drawn to does not want a relationship. He is doing is own healing and I must honor and respect that, even as it hurts. He mistakes my fear and hesitancy for pressure. Fear is too mild a word, abject terror is perhaps closer to what I feel. He says we will get thru this but I am not sure. I don't know how to lower my walls enough to allow him into my heart, much as I want to. There are other men available but it does not feel right in my soul to date them. I pray for guidance but none is forthcoming... so I wait.

My father passed away not quite a month ago and I think that is also a large part of my confusion. He was once of my abusers, but when I was small he was the best father anyone could have hoped for. I have a dichotomy of feelings about him. I mourn the father of my youth and am glad my abuser is no longer in this world to abuse again.

My daughter and her 4 children are living with me. Much as I love them, I think this was a huge mistake on my part. I like my home clean and neat, not spotless but lived in. They however have no problem living in filth. I am trying to keep the main part of the house orderly but can not stand their bedrooms any longer. I did one thing I hate and yelled at them all, telling them to clean the filth.

I am barely hanging on, waiting for a hip replacement. Part of my preop testing included a scan of my back to check the fusion. While it is solid, they discovered 2 areas of low density on other bones in my back. They are not sure what they are. Could be anything from a hemangioma, to metastasis of cancer yet undiscovered from elsewhere in my body. I have another scan done in November, to check for the spots growth. If they have grown, it is almost certainly cancer, and the search for its origin begins, if not most likely nothing to be concerned with.