Confusion reigns

As I approach my 54th birthday, I find I am more confused than ever. I remain alone not because its what I want but because the man I feel drawn to does not want a relationship. He is doing is own healing and I must honor and respect that, even as it hurts. He mistakes my fear and hesitancy for pressure. Fear is too mild a word, abject terror is perhaps closer to what I feel. He says we will get thru this but I am not sure. I don't know how to lower my walls enough to allow him into my heart, much as I want to. There are other men available but it does not feel right in my soul to date them. I pray for guidance but none is forthcoming... so I wait.

My father passed away not quite a month ago and I think that is also a large part of my confusion. He was once of my abusers, but when I was small he was the best father anyone could have hoped for. I have a dichotomy of feelings about him. I mourn the father of my youth and am glad my abuser is no longer in this world to abuse again.

My daughter and her 4 children are living with me. Much as I love them, I think this was a huge mistake on my part. I like my home clean and neat, not spotless but lived in. They however have no problem living in filth. I am trying to keep the main part of the house orderly but can not stand their bedrooms any longer. I did one thing I hate and yelled at them all, telling them to clean the filth.

I am barely hanging on, waiting for a hip replacement. Part of my preop testing included a scan of my back to check the fusion. While it is solid, they discovered 2 areas of low density on other bones in my back. They are not sure what they are. Could be anything from a hemangioma, to metastasis of cancer yet undiscovered from elsewhere in my body. I have another scan done in November, to check for the spots growth. If they have grown, it is almost certainly cancer, and the search for its origin begins, if not most likely nothing to be concerned with.