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Last week I lost 2 people I love. Joe and my great aunt Mable both passed away on Jan 5th. Mable died of old age. She was my grannies’ last sister. Only 2 boys remain of the ten siblings. She was a central part of what childhood memories I possess but I had not seen her since mom passed away. I did not even know she was gone until after her funeral. I really wish that the family I do have left would consider at least letting me know when someone is ill or passes away.

The other person I lost was Joe Hess. According to his cousin Joe died of an accidental overdose of pain meds. He and I had dated for a long time and were supposed to get married but split up a couple of years ago. I found out he had cheated and left him. We last spoke shortly before Christmas. He had married and was living in Austin. However he was not happy in his marriage or new home. He wanted another chance for us to work things out. Not only because of his past infidelity but also my feelings for John, I refused him. Now I wonder if I had taken him back would he still be alive. Guilt eats at me even though I know it was his time and in Gods hands alone. Despite his problems he had a good heart. His daughter Kaitlyn was the light of his life. I ache for her to lose her father at such a young age. I hope she always remembers how much he loved her. One of the best afternoons we had was when we took an entire afternoon to reconfigure a computer for her to use. I made the opening screen text telling her “Hello Kaitlyn, daddy loves you!“ I feel nothing for the woman he was married to.

My Aunt was buried in the same cemetery as mom, close to her side. She and Joe were both at the same funeral home at the same time. It is the same funeral home where I have said farewell to far too many family members. Joes wife had him cremated, as he had told me he wanted. I do not know where she will bury his ashes. I wish I did so I could go and tell him good bye one last time. Even though we had not seen each other in 2 years I will miss him horribly. I always knew, as did he that we were a phone call away and would always be there for each other. Losing them both hurts more than I can say.

I have tried to call and message John a couple of times with no response. I left him a voice mail yesterday telling him I was just checking in with people I haven’t spoken to in a while, as I lost 2 last week and never want to lose anyone else with them not knowing how much I care about them.

While I know he is working on himself, I also feel he is being selfish. He knows I want to help and refusing to even acknowledge my messages is nothing short of rude. Steven says he thinks that John is playing a game, since he texts me on holidays. I do not think so, but I am well aware that where he is concerned I am far from objective. Intermittently I get angry with him for not being here for me. I think that if he could see beyond his own pain he might get better quicker.

Tony keeps saying he loves me. To be honest it makes me very uncomfortable. I have a feeling that he is only saying it to try and get me into bed. There is so much I do not know about him, and he keeps coming up with reasons we can not spend more time together. Makes me suspicious, and maintain distance that he does not seem to want.

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John logged into face book last evening and made 2 posts, one about ptsd and the other about war. I think it was his way of letting me know he is still fighting. I sent him a text simply saying thank you. I also posted on his PTSD post that we will get thru this together and promising never to let him down. Sometimes at night when I turn over its almost as if I can feel his arms around me. I miss him so much. Hopefully in time he will return to me and we can start over again. If not with the Grace of God I will still have a wonderful life.

A new year and new beginnings

First day of a new year. Managed 2.5 hours of sleep thanks to a 4 year old sleeping sideways in my bed and a bad case of swimmers ear. My daughters kitten decided he wanted to overturn and dump 35 ponds of litter then cover my ENTIRE bathroom floor in it! That was such fun to clean up!

Cooked corned beef with cabbage and potatoes for dinner. The 4 year old loves the veggies but not so fond of corned beef. The 2 year old loves corned beef and not the veggies.

The 10 year old made a trip to the E.R. with a case of pink eye. Please God none of the other kids catch it!

Tony has told me twice today that he loves me. I have no idea how he can say that this early in a relationship! I am not nearly to the place where I can even entertain the idea of letting anyone into my heart. I do not want to hurt him, please God help me navigate this mine field.

Started a new bible study and daily devotional today as well. The devotional is a verse or two and a story that illustrates how it applies to our lives. The story today was nearly identical to the last conversation that John and I had. It was about our inner fear that if anyone really knew us they would not only not be able to love us, but would in fact detest us. I couldn’t read it without hearing the words John had said in my head. It is no easier not having him in my life than the day he walked out. I have so much healing to do. I have given John to God in prayer, many time over. Perhaps I am praying for my will rather than Gods in his life. I need to truly release him to God, but after so many years how can I?