Still no

word aside from a generic Happy Thanksgiving. I must find a way to accept what is. I have gone out with 2 more guys. Same result as the first. Perhaps my standards are too high, or perhaps I am choosing them because I know they will not be what I want or need. All I know for sure is that I have to get past the pain. It is not healthy for the kids to see me crying so often, but there are times the sorrow and grief overwhelm we. I try to hide it from them as best I can.

Jackson will be 5 on Friday. I am creating a Thomas the tank engine cake for him. Madi will be 3 shortly after the new year, she wants a cake thats Dora the explorer. No surprise there! She will not be going into the PALS program after all. She tested as high normal in her functions. Heather is going to try and get her into head start. Never have I seen a child so anxious to go to school!

I had a routine CT on my spine 3 months ago to check the fusion and see if it is still solid. The fusion is solid, but they also found 2 lesions on my vertebrae. No idea what they are, was told anything from hemangioma to metastatic cancer. The follow up CT was done last week, and the lesions are GONE. Proof once again that God is working in my life. All my lab work was normal as well. Amazing!

Damn it all!

I am TRULY trying to get over the man who does not want a relationship with me. I have not been sleeping well, cry at the drop of a hat, but was slowly getting better. Talking to other men, even trying to flirt. Good for my ego that others show interest but my heart is still occupied. Today I accepted a date with someone else. We went out The new guy is nice, but all day I found myself wishing that he was not the one here with me. In my mind I compared the two, and the new guy lost on every single comparison. When he kissed me, I felt physically ill. I want no one else near me in any way that is even remotely intimate. It is unfair of me to even try to date anyone until I am truly over the other man. If I never get to that point, then so be it. As the movie Sweet Home Alabama says, "I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I never really got it back."

I remember why I encased my heart in ice,
My feelings were frozen within it.
It was the only way I could survive

You came back into my life.
The ice began to thaw at your voice, and your touch.
Dear Lord, please don’t let these feelings hurt too much.

I thought I had shed my last tear for you,
for what might have been, seems I was wrong.
Have I learned nothing in the intervening years?

I see your tortured memories
The heavy price you pay for being the man you were born to be.
They hurt so deeply your once loving heart has been frozen as mine was.
I am helpless, without a way to help you silence your demons.
I hurt all the more for your hurting.
As you begin to tell me bits and pieces a picture emerges.
We have only scratched the surface of this war.
I can only imagine the hell on this earth you have endured.
All I can do is, listen,
pray and cry silent tears as you finally sleep.
It doesn’t seem enough.
I want nothing more than to make your pain stop,
even if I must take it on myself.
Do I dare to dream that together we can melt the ice and heal.
Or will that dream too bring nothing but pain and sadness.

Did you return to show me again the pain of rejection?
Is there yet another lesson I must learn from you?
God give me the grace to accept what comes, to face my fear,
help me endure the pain and grant me the words to help him heal.

Still this beating heart of mine,
silence the dreams I dared to dream.
Replace them with Your love and acceptance,
not regret for what may never be.
I pray for your health,
That the burdens you carry be lifted
and the peace of God take their place.
I pray for my peace of mind.
And I pray for an unattainable the dream to die.

Confusion reigns

As I approach my 54th birthday, I find I am more confused than ever. I remain alone not because its what I want but because the man I feel drawn to does not want a relationship. He is doing is own healing and I must honor and respect that, even as it hurts. He mistakes my fear and hesitancy for pressure. Fear is too mild a word, abject terror is perhaps closer to what I feel. He says we will get thru this but I am not sure. I don't know how to lower my walls enough to allow him into my heart, much as I want to. There are other men available but it does not feel right in my soul to date them. I pray for guidance but none is forthcoming... so I wait.

My father passed away not quite a month ago and I think that is also a large part of my confusion. He was once of my abusers, but when I was small he was the best father anyone could have hoped for. I have a dichotomy of feelings about him. I mourn the father of my youth and am glad my abuser is no longer in this world to abuse again.

My daughter and her 4 children are living with me. Much as I love them, I think this was a huge mistake on my part. I like my home clean and neat, not spotless but lived in. They however have no problem living in filth. I am trying to keep the main part of the house orderly but can not stand their bedrooms any longer. I did one thing I hate and yelled at them all, telling them to clean the filth.

I am barely hanging on, waiting for a hip replacement. Part of my preop testing included a scan of my back to check the fusion. While it is solid, they discovered 2 areas of low density on other bones in my back. They are not sure what they are. Could be anything from a hemangioma, to metastasis of cancer yet undiscovered from elsewhere in my body. I have another scan done in November, to check for the spots growth. If they have grown, it is almost certainly cancer, and the search for its origin begins, if not most likely nothing to be concerned with.

Finally

My ex who tore my heart to shreds is bringing my things he has stored to my daughters this weekend. No longer will I have to pretend to consider him a friend. He hurt me, lied to me and cheated on me. Why on earth would he think I could ever consider him a friend after all that? He is one of the MOST self centered individuals it has been my misfortune to meet. While a part of me will always love him, for the things I thought he was, I also know he is toxic to me. I saw him as safe when he was anything but. Like my parents he is a narcissist. He believes the world and everyone in it should revolve around his wants, never sparing a thought for anyone else or how his behavior may affect them. Luckily his parents know nothing of the life he lives when out of their sight. I hope his daughters are as lucky. He is now moving in with a female he met on an adult site where they both had posted pictures of very private parts. He calls her a "Lady" but in my eyes she is anything but that. He expects me to be happy for him and be supportive, but there is no way I can or will do so. Then again, perhaps they deserve each other and will be as miserable as he once made me.
As for me, I am doing well. Still going to the gym and water aerobic classes. I failed to work out over the holidays and a deep depression got hold of me. I am shaking it off as best I can. I am determined to find happiness and relcaim my health. I don't care about the number on the scale, or the tag in my jeans. I want to be around long enough to love my great grandkids when I have some. For now, I will spoil the grandkids as much as I can.

Lots of changes

Since my last entry here. I joined a local gym in August and began taking water aerobic classes twice a week shortly there after. I have lost 36 inches and 35 pounds since then. I work out almost every day. I am eating better for the most part as well. My diabetes medication has been decreased. my goal is to get off of it totally and permanently. Not sure what precipitated such a change. I am sure part of it was allowing myself to get truly angry at what I have endured in my life. I blamed myself for everything and hid under layers of fat. No one could truly get close if I was hidden. I am done hiding. Done being a door mat. Done allowing others to tell me how I "should" think, feel or act. The past is gone, I was not to blame and I will never hid from the world again. Compliments used to scare me, send me running for the comfort of junk food, but no longer. Now I simply smile and say Thank you, and mean it. These are good changes for me. Who knows, I may actually grow into a full human being that I can totally love and accept one day. *giggles* Maybe someone else will know the me within and love me too. Miracles happen all around us every day. Why not?

14 months?

Hard to believe I have not made an entry here in 14 months. Time flies when you get older. The past months have not been wasted. I am still very much a work in progress, but can see a big change in me. I no longer allow myself to be a doormat for others. I still try to help when and where I can, but I only do so when I can.

I have a new grand child. A beautiful girl named Madisyn Paige joined my family on Jan 7th of this year. She is doing well, growing like a weed. Jackson is getting therapy and attends a special needs preschool twice a week. He is talking a mile a minute, and acts very much like a normal 2 year old. The ventricle in his brain is larger than it was a few months ago, so we are watching him closely for any signs that the pressure in his brain is increasing. Jordan played basketball in a county league this winter. He was more intererested in flirthing with the girls than playing. Toby also played basketball and did very well. He enjoys the game, and it s good for him. He is now on 3 medications to control his ADHD. So far, so good. My daughter is planning to have a lap band procedire done to help her lose weight. It seems such a drastic step, but she has a very large amount to lose and it should help her.

I am now on medication to help control my diabetes. As much as I dislike medication, it is helping. I have not lost much weight in the past 14 months, about 10 pounds. My doctor is not happy about that and neither am I. The last month or so I am trying harder to lose, and being more careful of what I eat.

I am much happier now than I was 14 months ago. I still struggle with my past, but it is easier. O look at my childhood, how I felt and am truly proud of my progress. I have had no flashbacks as of late. I am better about standing up for myself, and my self esteem has risen. I am celibate, by choice. My molestation made me feel like I was not human. I was nothing but an object, unworth of love, to be used for one thing and one thing only. The right man is worth waiting for. I do not deserve to be used and thrown aside. With Gods help I will remain celibate until I find the man He means for me. If there is not one, then so be it.