Worry...

lays about my shoulders like a lead cloak of sadness. The worry is not for myself, but for someone I hold close to my heart. He has had more troubles than any human should in the past year. Now as it seems to be passing, his health is failing. The doctors have told him to get his affairs in order. Today they are doing a biopsy to confirm his diagnosis of inoperable liver cancer. He is the man who proved to me that there are good and honest men on this planet. The thought of losing him devastates me. I can only imagine how great his sorrow and his daughters is now. I would take his place if it were possible. God, give me the strength to do anything I can for them. Let him know Your Love and mercy. Keep him safe, let this all be a horrid mistake, or a nightmare from which we will awaken. I wish I was in North Carolina with him now, so he would know his friends won't desert him when he needs us most. He thought he had it all, great family, friends, money and most important of all, You. In the end only You matter.

Resurrection

Lyrics: Nicol Sponberg - Resurrection

I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core
I can't fake it anymore.

chorus:
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

chorus 2:
Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

You failed me...

I was your child. 3 years old. Your only daughter. When I came to you, the person who should have protected me, you ignored my cry. I was bloodied and bruised physically and emotionally. Were appearances more important than your baby? I realize he was your brother, but he molested me. He stole my innocence, and you did nothing. No wonder I never came to you again to tell you when I was hurt.

You were the person I idolized, even after you failed me. I worked so hard to earn your approval and all I got was disdain. Nothing I did or said was ever good enough. When I disappointed you it killed me inside. How may times did you tell me I was evil? How many times did you accuse me of doing things just to hurt you? Were you so blind that you didn't see I worshiped you? I have always struggled to believe in myself, does that surprise you? It shouldn't, since you never did.

Even when I was grown, and struggling to find out why I was having so many problems and asked you about my past, you failed me. You held the key to my healing, yet kept it from me. I don't understand why. You KNEW what was wrong, and denied it when I flat out asked you. 15 years later, after you knew you were dying you told me. You chose to keep the things I had repressed from me, knowing they could help save me. Appearances chosen over your child yet again.

When I miscarried my son, I needed you. Not to prevent what happened, but to hold me and let me cry. To tell my it wasn't my fault. And where were you? You told me I had nothing to mourn, it was "a blob of tissue." It was my unborn son, your grandson, how could you be so cold?

Despite it all, I still love you. I wonder if you were ever proud of me, even for a moment. Was I a mistake in your eyes? I will never have the answers in this life. I hope that maybe now you can see me from above, and know I deserved better. You left this world a bit over 17 years ago. I still miss you. I still love you. Rest in peace mom.

I was sitting this morning, thinking about what I had written yesterday. Wondering how and why God allows children to live in abuse. Why, if He Loves me, as I know He does, why I was not protected for the 13 years I was abused. I opened an email from Beliefnet, a site I frequent and clicked a link to read about a woman’s weight loss. I decided to see just HOW fat I am, and intended to click a link to an online ideal weight calculator. I hit the wrong link, and was directed to a page with an excerpt from Mother Teresa on Suffering. His hand guided me. I needed to read her words.

This is the excerpt entitled "Christ’s Compassion for the Suffering"

Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, he has got his head bending down—he wants to kiss you—and he has both hands open wide—he wants to embrace you. He has his heart opened wide to receive you. Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening. Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that he can kiss you. Do you understand, brothers, sisters, or whoever you may be? Suffering, pain, humiliation—this is the kiss of Jesus. At times you come so close to Jesus on the cross that he can kiss you. I once told this to a lady who was suffering very much. She answered, "Tell Jesus not to kiss me—to stop kissing me." That suffering has to come that came in the life of Our Lady, that came in the life of Jesus—it has to come in our life also. Only never put on a long face. Suffering is gift from God. It is between you and Jesus alone inside…. Our total surrender will come today by surrendering even our sins so that we will be poor. "Unless you become a child you cannot come to me." You are too big, too heavy; you cannot be lifted up. We need humility to acknowledge our sin. The knowledge of our sin helps us to rise. "I will get up and go to my Father."

Progress, perhaps....

As I continue to look back at my life to find my way forward I keep making discoveries. About not only myself, but about those who surrounded me in my youth. I have recently realized that both of my parents were narcissistic. Appearances rather than substance mattered to them. My mother failed to protect me from years of abuse that she admitted she was aware of. When I finally admitted to her my abuse at the hands of my father, she went into total and complete denial. I was alienated from the family that should have supported me. I lived my life ashamed of what I was, and what was done to me. When presented with the choice to provide me the care I needed to heal from my abuse, they chose to do nothing. Appearances preserved. They had to appear perfect to others no matter the cost.

I was never good enough. I was a liar, ostracized and somehow contaminated. This for telling the truth. I can not help but wonder how different I would be today, had someone, anyone believed me. However I can’t go back, only forward. Each day a struggle to believe in myself.

My relationships with men have reflected my childhood. Instead of caring, emotionally honest people I have been drawn to narcissist males every time. Each ending reinforcing the lesson that I was not good enough. Ever. I now see the signs, the red flags in people I meet. In the past they were beckoning, welcoming reminders that felt safe. I now realize they are warnings and I must avoid those people at all costs.

I have been overweight my entire life. I feel that if only I am large enough, unattractive enough then I will never again be subject to abuse. I was safe hidden from the world. A few years back I lost a large amount of weight and was at the thinnest I have ever been as an adult. My now ex husband made a comment about how good I looked and I went into a panic. I was attractive, vulnerable and terrified. One comment was all it took. I put the weight I had worked so hard to lose back on.

How to undo all this damage I do not know. For now I struggle on. Praying each day for the strength to just survive.

My grandmother always told me that God tests most those He Loves the best.

I sometimes wish He didn’t love me at all.

Then I remember how Christ suffered and died for me, and I feel ashamed.

I do not deserve the Gift of His Love.

I am

I am not my hair, my eyes, my nose or my mouth. I am not my skin or the shape of any of my body parts. I am not the IQ of my brain.

I am not the sound of my voice or the volume of my laughter. I am not my strengths or any of my weaknesses. I am not the level of my skills.

The temple of my physical makeup is a culmination of genetics. It reveals nothing about the person who resides within. I take no credit or point no blame for the way I look. My temple is perfect, as is.

This body is not who I am. It is an exquisitely perfect dwelling for my soul. Everything about it is exactly as it should be. No other, anywhere, ever, could serve my soul as well.
I am not anything you can see with your eyes or touch with your hands. Should you judge me by that criteria, you will never know me.

I am not a dumping ground for bias that's based on a man-made standard, and I do not accept the prejudice it creates.

I am a union of body, mind and spirit, a trio, not a solo.

To know me, is to know yourself.

Those who hear the voice of their soul, recognize the song in mine. They do not stop at the front door and judge me by the dwelling in which I reside. With a humble sense of honor, they knock upon the door and ask to come in.

The judgment of others does not change who I am. Quite the opposite is true. It reveals who they are.

Those who deem me unworthy at a glance and pass me on by, have my blessing to keep walking, for they have a long way to go. They have not reached the point in their journey where they are able to see and appreciate me for who I am.

This is my new creed. I will settle for nothing less than everything. I will remain alone, proud and strong.