You failed me...

I was your child. 3 years old. Your only daughter. When I came to you, the person who should have protected me, you ignored my cry. I was bloodied and bruised physically and emotionally. Were appearances more important than your baby? I realize he was your brother, but he molested me. He stole my innocence, and you did nothing. No wonder I never came to you again to tell you when I was hurt.

You were the person I idolized, even after you failed me. I worked so hard to earn your approval and all I got was disdain. Nothing I did or said was ever good enough. When I disappointed you it killed me inside. How may times did you tell me I was evil? How many times did you accuse me of doing things just to hurt you? Were you so blind that you didn't see I worshiped you? I have always struggled to believe in myself, does that surprise you? It shouldn't, since you never did.

Even when I was grown, and struggling to find out why I was having so many problems and asked you about my past, you failed me. You held the key to my healing, yet kept it from me. I don't understand why. You KNEW what was wrong, and denied it when I flat out asked you. 15 years later, after you knew you were dying you told me. You chose to keep the things I had repressed from me, knowing they could help save me. Appearances chosen over your child yet again.

When I miscarried my son, I needed you. Not to prevent what happened, but to hold me and let me cry. To tell my it wasn't my fault. And where were you? You told me I had nothing to mourn, it was "a blob of tissue." It was my unborn son, your grandson, how could you be so cold?

Despite it all, I still love you. I wonder if you were ever proud of me, even for a moment. Was I a mistake in your eyes? I will never have the answers in this life. I hope that maybe now you can see me from above, and know I deserved better. You left this world a bit over 17 years ago. I still miss you. I still love you. Rest in peace mom.