Death

is as much a part of life as breathing. Why then does it hurt so much to lose those we love? My cousin, Adam died a week ago today. Barely 46 years old, gone. We had not been close for a long time, but as kids we were inseparable. He was like my younger punk brother. He gave me my first black eye, and I gave him his. Despite being raised in church, he was always the rebel of his family. He joined the navy to try and straighten his life out. It worked, to a degree. The past couple of years were the best for him. He has a good job, was back in church and seemed genuinely happy. His daughters are grow, beautiful young women that both look ever so much like him. His mother is my mothers sister. She looks so much like mom its almost scary. Of course the family all came in for his funeral. Including the uncle who was the first to molest me. No memory returned, but when he hugged me I felt total revulsion. I wanted to run from him, but there was no where to go. Everyone asked after my father, and appeared shocked I have not seen him in over 7 years. They still hold him in high esteem, they don't know the monster he truly is within. It would change nothing to tell them, and would only hurt the family I love. I made it thru the funeral, with only some nightmares afterwards, which have now subsided. Theres a hole in my heart where Adams memory will live forever.


My friend in North Carolina is at last getting the help he needs. He was admitted to the psychiatric ward yesterday near his home. I know the courage it takes to ask for help, and I am so glad he has done so at last. Perhaps now he can truly begin to heal. He called last night, frightened and unsure as to if he had done the right thing. He asked if I would still talk to him, or if I, like most everyone else in his life, would walk away. I hope I was able to reassure him that my friendship and love are his for eternity.

Things around the house are not good. My clothes dryer broke last week, so I am having to wash clothes then hang them in the bathroom to dry. My hot water was out for a bit over 24 hours, but it is back working now. I think I can afford to buy a new dryer on Friday when I get paid. I tried to find the part to fix the one I have, but the part is almost as expensive as a new dryer, and more so if I have it installed. Lifes little challenges appear, but I can't allow them to get my down.

My diabetes is nearly under control at last. Not where it should be, but much better than it was. With continued proper eating and exercise it will be okay. Strange things make it shoot up, but I am eliminating them from my diet as I discover what they are. One good thing is that I have lost 4 pounds by being more careful with my food choices.

Each day a new reason

to be grateful. My friend in N.C. is doing well. 2 more chemo treatments and he can begin to face life as a survivor. His doctors are diligent, making sure all is well for him. Thank you Lord for guiding them, and for helping him. We spoke last night, and he knows I wish I could do more for him. He says prayer is the most important thing he needs, and he knows he has mine. Lord, keep him safe and bless him.

My sister has come back to Indiana from Florida. Living with my sister in law, brother and father was untenable. For now she is staying with her boyfriends parents. I hope she can find your peace, and the happiness she deserves. We have not been close since she was young. I pray that can change as well.

I have resisted the temptations that have plagued me lately. I hope I can continue to do so. I miss the touch of a man, but I also know I am not nearly healed enough to consider a relationship other than friends. Perhaps in time I will be, perhaps not. I leave it in Your hands, Father. If I am meant to be alone, I hope I can find the courage and strength to accept that without complaint. You know its not my desire, but You know what is best.

I think I have figured out why my mother was so hard on me when I was growing up. I was a daily reminder of what her brother was. Was that why she turned a blind eye to my brothers abuse? Could she just not face that her family was so messed up? There are no answers for me in this life, but the questions haunt me.

My brother told me he could,"just tell" by things my father does that I told the truth about his molestation. What things has he done or said to show them the truth? Does it even matter? Does anything?

Self destructive...

behaviors have been part of my life always. Drugs and alcohol are no longer part of my world, but it still continues. My poison of choice now is food. It always has been a problem, but I must gain control to keep my diabetes under control. To fail is a form of slow suicide. I have been working hard to find alternate ways to comfort myself, and am doing fairly well. Reading, praying, singing and writing are all wonderful outlets. I find myself turning to them more lately. My blood sugar is still too high, but I will regain control. I find myself frustrated when I eat what I think is a healthy meal, and my sugar spikes. In the past I would have used that an an excuse to eat more, now it fuels me to do something constructive.


Of course sex will always be an issue for me. I have avoided thinking about it, but the past few days temptations swirl around me almost nonstop. My youth made me view sex as nothing, meaningless. I have taught myself better than that. It has meaning, and that is best expressed in a loving relationship. I have promised myself I will never again be used as a piece of flesh and nothing more. Society has devalued it to the point of it being a physical act, devoid of more. I can not allow myself to fall backwards into that trap. I deserve better. God help me, I will not fail and undo the progress I have made.

I feel I have turned a corner in my life. In realizing my parents failings, I have healed a part of myself I didn't realize was wounded. I saw my mothers attitude towards me as my failings, proof I was not good enough. Now I see it was her failing, not mine.

Silver linings...

Do exist. The liver cancer has been confirmed, surgery done, chemo and radiation started. 6 days in the hospital, but he is home at last. While the diagnosis is devastating, there is hope. All things are possible, and I pray without ceasing for a healing of this wonderful friend. I have shed oceans of tears in the past week, all numbered and meaningful to my Lord.


Friends are the most precious things in the world to me. My family of birth taught me negative things, but from my friends I learn all the good. Illness shows who your true friends are. I don't think I would have survived this past week without Kris to lean on. She can even understand my speech when I am sobbing.