behaviors have been part of my life always. Drugs and alcohol are no longer part of my world, but it still continues. My poison of choice now is food. It always has been a problem, but I must gain control to keep my diabetes under control. To fail is a form of slow suicide. I have been working hard to find alternate ways to comfort myself, and am doing fairly well. Reading, praying, singing and writing are all wonderful outlets. I find myself turning to them more lately. My blood sugar is still too high, but I will regain control. I find myself frustrated when I eat what I think is a healthy meal, and my sugar spikes. In the past I would have used that an an excuse to eat more, now it fuels me to do something constructive.
Of course sex will always be an issue for me. I have avoided thinking about it, but the past few days temptations swirl around me almost nonstop. My youth made me view sex as nothing, meaningless. I have taught myself better than that. It has meaning, and that is best expressed in a loving relationship. I have promised myself I will never again be used as a piece of flesh and nothing more. Society has devalued it to the point of it being a physical act, devoid of more. I can not allow myself to fall backwards into that trap. I deserve better. God help me, I will not fail and undo the progress I have made.
I feel I have turned a corner in my life. In realizing my parents failings, I have healed a part of myself I didn't realize was wounded. I saw my mothers attitude towards me as my failings, proof I was not good enough. Now I see it was her failing, not mine.
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