Change is the only constant....

Jackson is doing well after his surgery. He uses his left side much more than he was. He is pulling up, walking holding onto furniture. Hes talking more as well. The major concern now is that he has stopped growing and has lost a little weight. He is getting supplements every day to increase his caloric intake. If this continues they will be forced to put him thru more tests to find the cause. All I can do is pray.

My friend in NC stopped speaking to me right before Christmas. I had no idea why, but he told me last night that he was hearing things about me. Things that are untrue and hurtful. I have asked him to tell me who said them, but he refuses. He also told me he has been seeing someone here locally, and has been to the area 10 times or so. Not once did he call me, or ask if I wanted to meet. I am hurt, confused. From asking me to stay there during the trial, to not wanting to even meet me. I am so sad, it seems the lies have cost me a precious friendship. We may still talk, but never again will we be so close as we were not so long ago.

I am truly happy he has found someone to bring laughter back into his life. I hope she treats him as he deserves to be treated.

As for me, I will remain alone. Joe called a couple weeks ago, begging for another chance. He said he lost the best thing he ever had when he let me leave him. I prayed about it and agreed to meet him this weekend. I now know it would never work. He won't admit his drinking is a problem, and refuses to even discuss stopping. I deserve better than a drunk.

Death claimed another friend. Not someone I was close to, but I wonder if I will be next. That doesn't sound like a horrible thing. I am in no hurry, but I am most certainly ready. My blood sugars are back under control. Not perfect yet, but my doctor should be pleased.

Just when you think

life can't get any crazier, it does.

Since my last posting a lot has happened. My family has been not so united in deciding my fathers care. I suggest an Alzheimers care facility, my brothers response was to ship dad from sibling to sibling. Now he is considering my suggestion, after watching dad become more agitated and ready to take off again. To be honest as long as he is kept safe,and not taken advantage of, I don't care what they do.

Death has claimed another person in my life. Don was my friend, my lover and one of the best men I have ever known. He reminded me that there are honest and loving people in this world of madness and pain. A lesson I will never forget. He collapsed and died of a massive heart attack while folding newspapers. I could not bring myself to go to the funeral. I want to remember him the way we were. I am glad that I told him I loved him the last time we spoke. No regrets there, but I miss my friend.


The day after Don died, we found out my youngest grandson, Jackson, would have to have a shunt placed in his brain. he was diagnosed prenatally with hydrocephalus, but had needed no treatment until now. He had the surgery last Friday and spent his first birthday on Sunday in the hospital. He wasn't allowed to eat until yesterday, as he had been vomiting since surgery. My poor little man. He has about 20 stitches in the back of his head, and 8 in his tummy. Heather never left his side during the entire ordeal. Shes stronger than she knows. I am so very proud of the woman my daughter has become.

I have been

remiss at posting here lately. Perhaps because my emotions have been in turmoil, and I have no idea what to say. My father has Alzheimer's disease, and lives with my elder brother in Florida. Somehow, he managed to get the keys to a car, and take off. He was found about 24 hours later in a small town just north of Chattanooga, Tenn. He had managed to shred the tires on the car by driving off the road and thru a field to get to a truck stop. He thought he was in Perry county, Ky and close to his sisters home. He reeked of urine, and had clearly not slept. God was watching over him, and the people who run the truck stop were his guardian angels. They knew something was wrong, and talked to him. They let him call his sister, and they called the local police. The tags on the car came back as a missing person, and they managed to keep him there until the police arrived. They also went out and bought him a fresh outfit of clothes, and stayed with him until my brother arrived. They even picked my brother up at the airport and took him to my father. They gave my brother a hat, which reads "Relax, GOD is in control" How very appropriate. I did not sleep the entire time he was missing. I cried rivers of tears, praying he would be safe and not hurt himself or anyone else. I have no desire to see him, but it is important he be safe. Makes no sense, but perhaps in time it will.

Birthdays have never been a source of stress to me. I turned 50 last week, and for some reason it bothers me. I am getting old, alone. I miss having someone special to talk to, cuddle up with and share the good and bad of each day. I know I will probably remain alone for the rest f my life and that hurts. This is not the life I want, and I am struggling to accept it.

My friend in NC is doing better. He had started drinking again, and spent 2 days in the hospital with internal bleeding. He went to an AA meeting last night. I hope and pray he stays sober this time. The trial for his daughters murderer begins in late March. He has asked me to come stay with him during that time, and I am honored to do so. I can' t imagine how hard that will be for him. If I can bring him any small measure of comfort with my presence then that is where I need to be.

Death

is as much a part of life as breathing. Why then does it hurt so much to lose those we love? My cousin, Adam died a week ago today. Barely 46 years old, gone. We had not been close for a long time, but as kids we were inseparable. He was like my younger punk brother. He gave me my first black eye, and I gave him his. Despite being raised in church, he was always the rebel of his family. He joined the navy to try and straighten his life out. It worked, to a degree. The past couple of years were the best for him. He has a good job, was back in church and seemed genuinely happy. His daughters are grow, beautiful young women that both look ever so much like him. His mother is my mothers sister. She looks so much like mom its almost scary. Of course the family all came in for his funeral. Including the uncle who was the first to molest me. No memory returned, but when he hugged me I felt total revulsion. I wanted to run from him, but there was no where to go. Everyone asked after my father, and appeared shocked I have not seen him in over 7 years. They still hold him in high esteem, they don't know the monster he truly is within. It would change nothing to tell them, and would only hurt the family I love. I made it thru the funeral, with only some nightmares afterwards, which have now subsided. Theres a hole in my heart where Adams memory will live forever.


My friend in North Carolina is at last getting the help he needs. He was admitted to the psychiatric ward yesterday near his home. I know the courage it takes to ask for help, and I am so glad he has done so at last. Perhaps now he can truly begin to heal. He called last night, frightened and unsure as to if he had done the right thing. He asked if I would still talk to him, or if I, like most everyone else in his life, would walk away. I hope I was able to reassure him that my friendship and love are his for eternity.

Things around the house are not good. My clothes dryer broke last week, so I am having to wash clothes then hang them in the bathroom to dry. My hot water was out for a bit over 24 hours, but it is back working now. I think I can afford to buy a new dryer on Friday when I get paid. I tried to find the part to fix the one I have, but the part is almost as expensive as a new dryer, and more so if I have it installed. Lifes little challenges appear, but I can't allow them to get my down.

My diabetes is nearly under control at last. Not where it should be, but much better than it was. With continued proper eating and exercise it will be okay. Strange things make it shoot up, but I am eliminating them from my diet as I discover what they are. One good thing is that I have lost 4 pounds by being more careful with my food choices.

Each day a new reason

to be grateful. My friend in N.C. is doing well. 2 more chemo treatments and he can begin to face life as a survivor. His doctors are diligent, making sure all is well for him. Thank you Lord for guiding them, and for helping him. We spoke last night, and he knows I wish I could do more for him. He says prayer is the most important thing he needs, and he knows he has mine. Lord, keep him safe and bless him.

My sister has come back to Indiana from Florida. Living with my sister in law, brother and father was untenable. For now she is staying with her boyfriends parents. I hope she can find your peace, and the happiness she deserves. We have not been close since she was young. I pray that can change as well.

I have resisted the temptations that have plagued me lately. I hope I can continue to do so. I miss the touch of a man, but I also know I am not nearly healed enough to consider a relationship other than friends. Perhaps in time I will be, perhaps not. I leave it in Your hands, Father. If I am meant to be alone, I hope I can find the courage and strength to accept that without complaint. You know its not my desire, but You know what is best.

I think I have figured out why my mother was so hard on me when I was growing up. I was a daily reminder of what her brother was. Was that why she turned a blind eye to my brothers abuse? Could she just not face that her family was so messed up? There are no answers for me in this life, but the questions haunt me.

My brother told me he could,"just tell" by things my father does that I told the truth about his molestation. What things has he done or said to show them the truth? Does it even matter? Does anything?

Self destructive...

behaviors have been part of my life always. Drugs and alcohol are no longer part of my world, but it still continues. My poison of choice now is food. It always has been a problem, but I must gain control to keep my diabetes under control. To fail is a form of slow suicide. I have been working hard to find alternate ways to comfort myself, and am doing fairly well. Reading, praying, singing and writing are all wonderful outlets. I find myself turning to them more lately. My blood sugar is still too high, but I will regain control. I find myself frustrated when I eat what I think is a healthy meal, and my sugar spikes. In the past I would have used that an an excuse to eat more, now it fuels me to do something constructive.


Of course sex will always be an issue for me. I have avoided thinking about it, but the past few days temptations swirl around me almost nonstop. My youth made me view sex as nothing, meaningless. I have taught myself better than that. It has meaning, and that is best expressed in a loving relationship. I have promised myself I will never again be used as a piece of flesh and nothing more. Society has devalued it to the point of it being a physical act, devoid of more. I can not allow myself to fall backwards into that trap. I deserve better. God help me, I will not fail and undo the progress I have made.

I feel I have turned a corner in my life. In realizing my parents failings, I have healed a part of myself I didn't realize was wounded. I saw my mothers attitude towards me as my failings, proof I was not good enough. Now I see it was her failing, not mine.

Silver linings...

Do exist. The liver cancer has been confirmed, surgery done, chemo and radiation started. 6 days in the hospital, but he is home at last. While the diagnosis is devastating, there is hope. All things are possible, and I pray without ceasing for a healing of this wonderful friend. I have shed oceans of tears in the past week, all numbered and meaningful to my Lord.


Friends are the most precious things in the world to me. My family of birth taught me negative things, but from my friends I learn all the good. Illness shows who your true friends are. I don't think I would have survived this past week without Kris to lean on. She can even understand my speech when I am sobbing.