1-13-12
Last week I lost 2 people I love. Joe and my great aunt Mable both passed away on Jan 5th. Mable died of old age. She was my grannies’ last sister. Only 2 boys remain of the ten siblings. She was a central part of what childhood memories I possess but I had not seen her since mom passed away. I did not even know she was gone until after her funeral. I really wish that the family I do have left would consider at least letting me know when someone is ill or passes away.

The other person I lost was Joe Hess. According to his cousin Joe died of an accidental overdose of pain meds. He and I had dated for a long time and were supposed to get married but split up a couple of years ago. I found out he had cheated and left him. We last spoke shortly before Christmas. He had married and was living in Austin. However he was not happy in his marriage or new home. He wanted another chance for us to work things out. Not only because of his past infidelity but also my feelings for John, I refused him. Now I wonder if I had taken him back would he still be alive. Guilt eats at me even though I know it was his time and in Gods hands alone. Despite his problems he had a good heart. His daughter Kaitlyn was the light of his life. I ache for her to lose her father at such a young age. I hope she always remembers how much he loved her. One of the best afternoons we had was when we took an entire afternoon to reconfigure a computer for her to use. I made the opening screen text telling her “Hello Kaitlyn, daddy loves you!“ I feel nothing for the woman he was married to.

My Aunt was buried in the same cemetery as mom, close to her side. She and Joe were both at the same funeral home at the same time. It is the same funeral home where I have said farewell to far too many family members. Joes wife had him cremated, as he had told me he wanted. I do not know where she will bury his ashes. I wish I did so I could go and tell him good bye one last time. Even though we had not seen each other in 2 years I will miss him horribly. I always knew, as did he that we were a phone call away and would always be there for each other. Losing them both hurts more than I can say.

I have tried to call and message John a couple of times with no response. I left him a voice mail yesterday telling him I was just checking in with people I haven’t spoken to in a while, as I lost 2 last week and never want to lose anyone else with them not knowing how much I care about them.

While I know he is working on himself, I also feel he is being selfish. He knows I want to help and refusing to even acknowledge my messages is nothing short of rude. Steven says he thinks that John is playing a game, since he texts me on holidays. I do not think so, but I am well aware that where he is concerned I am far from objective. Intermittently I get angry with him for not being here for me. I think that if he could see beyond his own pain he might get better quicker.

Tony keeps saying he loves me. To be honest it makes me very uncomfortable. I have a feeling that he is only saying it to try and get me into bed. There is so much I do not know about him, and he keeps coming up with reasons we can not spend more time together. Makes me suspicious, and maintain distance that he does not seem to want.

1-16-12
John logged into face book last evening and made 2 posts, one about ptsd and the other about war. I think it was his way of letting me know he is still fighting. I sent him a text simply saying thank you. I also posted on his PTSD post that we will get thru this together and promising never to let him down. Sometimes at night when I turn over its almost as if I can feel his arms around me. I miss him so much. Hopefully in time he will return to me and we can start over again. If not with the Grace of God I will still have a wonderful life.

A new year and new beginnings

First day of a new year. Managed 2.5 hours of sleep thanks to a 4 year old sleeping sideways in my bed and a bad case of swimmers ear. My daughters kitten decided he wanted to overturn and dump 35 ponds of litter then cover my ENTIRE bathroom floor in it! That was such fun to clean up!

Cooked corned beef with cabbage and potatoes for dinner. The 4 year old loves the veggies but not so fond of corned beef. The 2 year old loves corned beef and not the veggies.

The 10 year old made a trip to the E.R. with a case of pink eye. Please God none of the other kids catch it!

Tony has told me twice today that he loves me. I have no idea how he can say that this early in a relationship! I am not nearly to the place where I can even entertain the idea of letting anyone into my heart. I do not want to hurt him, please God help me navigate this mine field.

Started a new bible study and daily devotional today as well. The devotional is a verse or two and a story that illustrates how it applies to our lives. The story today was nearly identical to the last conversation that John and I had. It was about our inner fear that if anyone really knew us they would not only not be able to love us, but would in fact detest us. I couldn’t read it without hearing the words John had said in my head. It is no easier not having him in my life than the day he walked out. I have so much healing to do. I have given John to God in prayer, many time over. Perhaps I am praying for my will rather than Gods in his life. I need to truly release him to God, but after so many years how can I?

Still no

word aside from a generic Happy Thanksgiving. I must find a way to accept what is. I have gone out with 2 more guys. Same result as the first. Perhaps my standards are too high, or perhaps I am choosing them because I know they will not be what I want or need. All I know for sure is that I have to get past the pain. It is not healthy for the kids to see me crying so often, but there are times the sorrow and grief overwhelm we. I try to hide it from them as best I can.

Jackson will be 5 on Friday. I am creating a Thomas the tank engine cake for him. Madi will be 3 shortly after the new year, she wants a cake thats Dora the explorer. No surprise there! She will not be going into the PALS program after all. She tested as high normal in her functions. Heather is going to try and get her into head start. Never have I seen a child so anxious to go to school!

I had a routine CT on my spine 3 months ago to check the fusion and see if it is still solid. The fusion is solid, but they also found 2 lesions on my vertebrae. No idea what they are, was told anything from hemangioma to metastatic cancer. The follow up CT was done last week, and the lesions are GONE. Proof once again that God is working in my life. All my lab work was normal as well. Amazing!

Damn it all!

I am TRULY trying to get over the man who does not want a relationship with me. I have not been sleeping well, cry at the drop of a hat, but was slowly getting better. Talking to other men, even trying to flirt. Good for my ego that others show interest but my heart is still occupied. Today I accepted a date with someone else. We went out The new guy is nice, but all day I found myself wishing that he was not the one here with me. In my mind I compared the two, and the new guy lost on every single comparison. When he kissed me, I felt physically ill. I want no one else near me in any way that is even remotely intimate. It is unfair of me to even try to date anyone until I am truly over the other man. If I never get to that point, then so be it. As the movie Sweet Home Alabama says, "I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I never really got it back."

I remember why I encased my heart in ice,
My feelings were frozen within it.
It was the only way I could survive

You came back into my life.
The ice began to thaw at your voice, and your touch.
Dear Lord, please don’t let these feelings hurt too much.

I thought I had shed my last tear for you,
for what might have been, seems I was wrong.
Have I learned nothing in the intervening years?

I see your tortured memories
The heavy price you pay for being the man you were born to be.
They hurt so deeply your once loving heart has been frozen as mine was.
I am helpless, without a way to help you silence your demons.
I hurt all the more for your hurting.
As you begin to tell me bits and pieces a picture emerges.
We have only scratched the surface of this war.
I can only imagine the hell on this earth you have endured.
All I can do is, listen,
pray and cry silent tears as you finally sleep.
It doesn’t seem enough.
I want nothing more than to make your pain stop,
even if I must take it on myself.
Do I dare to dream that together we can melt the ice and heal.
Or will that dream too bring nothing but pain and sadness.

Did you return to show me again the pain of rejection?
Is there yet another lesson I must learn from you?
God give me the grace to accept what comes, to face my fear,
help me endure the pain and grant me the words to help him heal.

Still this beating heart of mine,
silence the dreams I dared to dream.
Replace them with Your love and acceptance,
not regret for what may never be.
I pray for your health,
That the burdens you carry be lifted
and the peace of God take their place.
I pray for my peace of mind.
And I pray for an unattainable the dream to die.

Confusion reigns

As I approach my 54th birthday, I find I am more confused than ever. I remain alone not because its what I want but because the man I feel drawn to does not want a relationship. He is doing is own healing and I must honor and respect that, even as it hurts. He mistakes my fear and hesitancy for pressure. Fear is too mild a word, abject terror is perhaps closer to what I feel. He says we will get thru this but I am not sure. I don't know how to lower my walls enough to allow him into my heart, much as I want to. There are other men available but it does not feel right in my soul to date them. I pray for guidance but none is forthcoming... so I wait.

My father passed away not quite a month ago and I think that is also a large part of my confusion. He was once of my abusers, but when I was small he was the best father anyone could have hoped for. I have a dichotomy of feelings about him. I mourn the father of my youth and am glad my abuser is no longer in this world to abuse again.

My daughter and her 4 children are living with me. Much as I love them, I think this was a huge mistake on my part. I like my home clean and neat, not spotless but lived in. They however have no problem living in filth. I am trying to keep the main part of the house orderly but can not stand their bedrooms any longer. I did one thing I hate and yelled at them all, telling them to clean the filth.

I am barely hanging on, waiting for a hip replacement. Part of my preop testing included a scan of my back to check the fusion. While it is solid, they discovered 2 areas of low density on other bones in my back. They are not sure what they are. Could be anything from a hemangioma, to metastasis of cancer yet undiscovered from elsewhere in my body. I have another scan done in November, to check for the spots growth. If they have grown, it is almost certainly cancer, and the search for its origin begins, if not most likely nothing to be concerned with.

Finally

My ex who tore my heart to shreds is bringing my things he has stored to my daughters this weekend. No longer will I have to pretend to consider him a friend. He hurt me, lied to me and cheated on me. Why on earth would he think I could ever consider him a friend after all that? He is one of the MOST self centered individuals it has been my misfortune to meet. While a part of me will always love him, for the things I thought he was, I also know he is toxic to me. I saw him as safe when he was anything but. Like my parents he is a narcissist. He believes the world and everyone in it should revolve around his wants, never sparing a thought for anyone else or how his behavior may affect them. Luckily his parents know nothing of the life he lives when out of their sight. I hope his daughters are as lucky. He is now moving in with a female he met on an adult site where they both had posted pictures of very private parts. He calls her a "Lady" but in my eyes she is anything but that. He expects me to be happy for him and be supportive, but there is no way I can or will do so. Then again, perhaps they deserve each other and will be as miserable as he once made me.
As for me, I am doing well. Still going to the gym and water aerobic classes. I failed to work out over the holidays and a deep depression got hold of me. I am shaking it off as best I can. I am determined to find happiness and relcaim my health. I don't care about the number on the scale, or the tag in my jeans. I want to be around long enough to love my great grandkids when I have some. For now, I will spoil the grandkids as much as I can.