Just when you think

life can't get any crazier, it does.

Since my last posting a lot has happened. My family has been not so united in deciding my fathers care. I suggest an Alzheimers care facility, my brothers response was to ship dad from sibling to sibling. Now he is considering my suggestion, after watching dad become more agitated and ready to take off again. To be honest as long as he is kept safe,and not taken advantage of, I don't care what they do.

Death has claimed another person in my life. Don was my friend, my lover and one of the best men I have ever known. He reminded me that there are honest and loving people in this world of madness and pain. A lesson I will never forget. He collapsed and died of a massive heart attack while folding newspapers. I could not bring myself to go to the funeral. I want to remember him the way we were. I am glad that I told him I loved him the last time we spoke. No regrets there, but I miss my friend.


The day after Don died, we found out my youngest grandson, Jackson, would have to have a shunt placed in his brain. he was diagnosed prenatally with hydrocephalus, but had needed no treatment until now. He had the surgery last Friday and spent his first birthday on Sunday in the hospital. He wasn't allowed to eat until yesterday, as he had been vomiting since surgery. My poor little man. He has about 20 stitches in the back of his head, and 8 in his tummy. Heather never left his side during the entire ordeal. Shes stronger than she knows. I am so very proud of the woman my daughter has become.

I have been

remiss at posting here lately. Perhaps because my emotions have been in turmoil, and I have no idea what to say. My father has Alzheimer's disease, and lives with my elder brother in Florida. Somehow, he managed to get the keys to a car, and take off. He was found about 24 hours later in a small town just north of Chattanooga, Tenn. He had managed to shred the tires on the car by driving off the road and thru a field to get to a truck stop. He thought he was in Perry county, Ky and close to his sisters home. He reeked of urine, and had clearly not slept. God was watching over him, and the people who run the truck stop were his guardian angels. They knew something was wrong, and talked to him. They let him call his sister, and they called the local police. The tags on the car came back as a missing person, and they managed to keep him there until the police arrived. They also went out and bought him a fresh outfit of clothes, and stayed with him until my brother arrived. They even picked my brother up at the airport and took him to my father. They gave my brother a hat, which reads "Relax, GOD is in control" How very appropriate. I did not sleep the entire time he was missing. I cried rivers of tears, praying he would be safe and not hurt himself or anyone else. I have no desire to see him, but it is important he be safe. Makes no sense, but perhaps in time it will.

Birthdays have never been a source of stress to me. I turned 50 last week, and for some reason it bothers me. I am getting old, alone. I miss having someone special to talk to, cuddle up with and share the good and bad of each day. I know I will probably remain alone for the rest f my life and that hurts. This is not the life I want, and I am struggling to accept it.

My friend in NC is doing better. He had started drinking again, and spent 2 days in the hospital with internal bleeding. He went to an AA meeting last night. I hope and pray he stays sober this time. The trial for his daughters murderer begins in late March. He has asked me to come stay with him during that time, and I am honored to do so. I can' t imagine how hard that will be for him. If I can bring him any small measure of comfort with my presence then that is where I need to be.

Death

is as much a part of life as breathing. Why then does it hurt so much to lose those we love? My cousin, Adam died a week ago today. Barely 46 years old, gone. We had not been close for a long time, but as kids we were inseparable. He was like my younger punk brother. He gave me my first black eye, and I gave him his. Despite being raised in church, he was always the rebel of his family. He joined the navy to try and straighten his life out. It worked, to a degree. The past couple of years were the best for him. He has a good job, was back in church and seemed genuinely happy. His daughters are grow, beautiful young women that both look ever so much like him. His mother is my mothers sister. She looks so much like mom its almost scary. Of course the family all came in for his funeral. Including the uncle who was the first to molest me. No memory returned, but when he hugged me I felt total revulsion. I wanted to run from him, but there was no where to go. Everyone asked after my father, and appeared shocked I have not seen him in over 7 years. They still hold him in high esteem, they don't know the monster he truly is within. It would change nothing to tell them, and would only hurt the family I love. I made it thru the funeral, with only some nightmares afterwards, which have now subsided. Theres a hole in my heart where Adams memory will live forever.


My friend in North Carolina is at last getting the help he needs. He was admitted to the psychiatric ward yesterday near his home. I know the courage it takes to ask for help, and I am so glad he has done so at last. Perhaps now he can truly begin to heal. He called last night, frightened and unsure as to if he had done the right thing. He asked if I would still talk to him, or if I, like most everyone else in his life, would walk away. I hope I was able to reassure him that my friendship and love are his for eternity.

Things around the house are not good. My clothes dryer broke last week, so I am having to wash clothes then hang them in the bathroom to dry. My hot water was out for a bit over 24 hours, but it is back working now. I think I can afford to buy a new dryer on Friday when I get paid. I tried to find the part to fix the one I have, but the part is almost as expensive as a new dryer, and more so if I have it installed. Lifes little challenges appear, but I can't allow them to get my down.

My diabetes is nearly under control at last. Not where it should be, but much better than it was. With continued proper eating and exercise it will be okay. Strange things make it shoot up, but I am eliminating them from my diet as I discover what they are. One good thing is that I have lost 4 pounds by being more careful with my food choices.

Each day a new reason

to be grateful. My friend in N.C. is doing well. 2 more chemo treatments and he can begin to face life as a survivor. His doctors are diligent, making sure all is well for him. Thank you Lord for guiding them, and for helping him. We spoke last night, and he knows I wish I could do more for him. He says prayer is the most important thing he needs, and he knows he has mine. Lord, keep him safe and bless him.

My sister has come back to Indiana from Florida. Living with my sister in law, brother and father was untenable. For now she is staying with her boyfriends parents. I hope she can find your peace, and the happiness she deserves. We have not been close since she was young. I pray that can change as well.

I have resisted the temptations that have plagued me lately. I hope I can continue to do so. I miss the touch of a man, but I also know I am not nearly healed enough to consider a relationship other than friends. Perhaps in time I will be, perhaps not. I leave it in Your hands, Father. If I am meant to be alone, I hope I can find the courage and strength to accept that without complaint. You know its not my desire, but You know what is best.

I think I have figured out why my mother was so hard on me when I was growing up. I was a daily reminder of what her brother was. Was that why she turned a blind eye to my brothers abuse? Could she just not face that her family was so messed up? There are no answers for me in this life, but the questions haunt me.

My brother told me he could,"just tell" by things my father does that I told the truth about his molestation. What things has he done or said to show them the truth? Does it even matter? Does anything?

Self destructive...

behaviors have been part of my life always. Drugs and alcohol are no longer part of my world, but it still continues. My poison of choice now is food. It always has been a problem, but I must gain control to keep my diabetes under control. To fail is a form of slow suicide. I have been working hard to find alternate ways to comfort myself, and am doing fairly well. Reading, praying, singing and writing are all wonderful outlets. I find myself turning to them more lately. My blood sugar is still too high, but I will regain control. I find myself frustrated when I eat what I think is a healthy meal, and my sugar spikes. In the past I would have used that an an excuse to eat more, now it fuels me to do something constructive.


Of course sex will always be an issue for me. I have avoided thinking about it, but the past few days temptations swirl around me almost nonstop. My youth made me view sex as nothing, meaningless. I have taught myself better than that. It has meaning, and that is best expressed in a loving relationship. I have promised myself I will never again be used as a piece of flesh and nothing more. Society has devalued it to the point of it being a physical act, devoid of more. I can not allow myself to fall backwards into that trap. I deserve better. God help me, I will not fail and undo the progress I have made.

I feel I have turned a corner in my life. In realizing my parents failings, I have healed a part of myself I didn't realize was wounded. I saw my mothers attitude towards me as my failings, proof I was not good enough. Now I see it was her failing, not mine.

Silver linings...

Do exist. The liver cancer has been confirmed, surgery done, chemo and radiation started. 6 days in the hospital, but he is home at last. While the diagnosis is devastating, there is hope. All things are possible, and I pray without ceasing for a healing of this wonderful friend. I have shed oceans of tears in the past week, all numbered and meaningful to my Lord.


Friends are the most precious things in the world to me. My family of birth taught me negative things, but from my friends I learn all the good. Illness shows who your true friends are. I don't think I would have survived this past week without Kris to lean on. She can even understand my speech when I am sobbing.

Worry...

lays about my shoulders like a lead cloak of sadness. The worry is not for myself, but for someone I hold close to my heart. He has had more troubles than any human should in the past year. Now as it seems to be passing, his health is failing. The doctors have told him to get his affairs in order. Today they are doing a biopsy to confirm his diagnosis of inoperable liver cancer. He is the man who proved to me that there are good and honest men on this planet. The thought of losing him devastates me. I can only imagine how great his sorrow and his daughters is now. I would take his place if it were possible. God, give me the strength to do anything I can for them. Let him know Your Love and mercy. Keep him safe, let this all be a horrid mistake, or a nightmare from which we will awaken. I wish I was in North Carolina with him now, so he would know his friends won't desert him when he needs us most. He thought he had it all, great family, friends, money and most important of all, You. In the end only You matter.

Resurrection

Lyrics: Nicol Sponberg - Resurrection

I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core
I can't fake it anymore.

chorus:
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

chorus 2:
Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

You failed me...

I was your child. 3 years old. Your only daughter. When I came to you, the person who should have protected me, you ignored my cry. I was bloodied and bruised physically and emotionally. Were appearances more important than your baby? I realize he was your brother, but he molested me. He stole my innocence, and you did nothing. No wonder I never came to you again to tell you when I was hurt.

You were the person I idolized, even after you failed me. I worked so hard to earn your approval and all I got was disdain. Nothing I did or said was ever good enough. When I disappointed you it killed me inside. How may times did you tell me I was evil? How many times did you accuse me of doing things just to hurt you? Were you so blind that you didn't see I worshiped you? I have always struggled to believe in myself, does that surprise you? It shouldn't, since you never did.

Even when I was grown, and struggling to find out why I was having so many problems and asked you about my past, you failed me. You held the key to my healing, yet kept it from me. I don't understand why. You KNEW what was wrong, and denied it when I flat out asked you. 15 years later, after you knew you were dying you told me. You chose to keep the things I had repressed from me, knowing they could help save me. Appearances chosen over your child yet again.

When I miscarried my son, I needed you. Not to prevent what happened, but to hold me and let me cry. To tell my it wasn't my fault. And where were you? You told me I had nothing to mourn, it was "a blob of tissue." It was my unborn son, your grandson, how could you be so cold?

Despite it all, I still love you. I wonder if you were ever proud of me, even for a moment. Was I a mistake in your eyes? I will never have the answers in this life. I hope that maybe now you can see me from above, and know I deserved better. You left this world a bit over 17 years ago. I still miss you. I still love you. Rest in peace mom.

I was sitting this morning, thinking about what I had written yesterday. Wondering how and why God allows children to live in abuse. Why, if He Loves me, as I know He does, why I was not protected for the 13 years I was abused. I opened an email from Beliefnet, a site I frequent and clicked a link to read about a woman’s weight loss. I decided to see just HOW fat I am, and intended to click a link to an online ideal weight calculator. I hit the wrong link, and was directed to a page with an excerpt from Mother Teresa on Suffering. His hand guided me. I needed to read her words.

This is the excerpt entitled "Christ’s Compassion for the Suffering"

Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, he has got his head bending down—he wants to kiss you—and he has both hands open wide—he wants to embrace you. He has his heart opened wide to receive you. Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening. Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that he can kiss you. Do you understand, brothers, sisters, or whoever you may be? Suffering, pain, humiliation—this is the kiss of Jesus. At times you come so close to Jesus on the cross that he can kiss you. I once told this to a lady who was suffering very much. She answered, "Tell Jesus not to kiss me—to stop kissing me." That suffering has to come that came in the life of Our Lady, that came in the life of Jesus—it has to come in our life also. Only never put on a long face. Suffering is gift from God. It is between you and Jesus alone inside…. Our total surrender will come today by surrendering even our sins so that we will be poor. "Unless you become a child you cannot come to me." You are too big, too heavy; you cannot be lifted up. We need humility to acknowledge our sin. The knowledge of our sin helps us to rise. "I will get up and go to my Father."

Progress, perhaps....

As I continue to look back at my life to find my way forward I keep making discoveries. About not only myself, but about those who surrounded me in my youth. I have recently realized that both of my parents were narcissistic. Appearances rather than substance mattered to them. My mother failed to protect me from years of abuse that she admitted she was aware of. When I finally admitted to her my abuse at the hands of my father, she went into total and complete denial. I was alienated from the family that should have supported me. I lived my life ashamed of what I was, and what was done to me. When presented with the choice to provide me the care I needed to heal from my abuse, they chose to do nothing. Appearances preserved. They had to appear perfect to others no matter the cost.

I was never good enough. I was a liar, ostracized and somehow contaminated. This for telling the truth. I can not help but wonder how different I would be today, had someone, anyone believed me. However I can’t go back, only forward. Each day a struggle to believe in myself.

My relationships with men have reflected my childhood. Instead of caring, emotionally honest people I have been drawn to narcissist males every time. Each ending reinforcing the lesson that I was not good enough. Ever. I now see the signs, the red flags in people I meet. In the past they were beckoning, welcoming reminders that felt safe. I now realize they are warnings and I must avoid those people at all costs.

I have been overweight my entire life. I feel that if only I am large enough, unattractive enough then I will never again be subject to abuse. I was safe hidden from the world. A few years back I lost a large amount of weight and was at the thinnest I have ever been as an adult. My now ex husband made a comment about how good I looked and I went into a panic. I was attractive, vulnerable and terrified. One comment was all it took. I put the weight I had worked so hard to lose back on.

How to undo all this damage I do not know. For now I struggle on. Praying each day for the strength to just survive.

My grandmother always told me that God tests most those He Loves the best.

I sometimes wish He didn’t love me at all.

Then I remember how Christ suffered and died for me, and I feel ashamed.

I do not deserve the Gift of His Love.

I am

I am not my hair, my eyes, my nose or my mouth. I am not my skin or the shape of any of my body parts. I am not the IQ of my brain.

I am not the sound of my voice or the volume of my laughter. I am not my strengths or any of my weaknesses. I am not the level of my skills.

The temple of my physical makeup is a culmination of genetics. It reveals nothing about the person who resides within. I take no credit or point no blame for the way I look. My temple is perfect, as is.

This body is not who I am. It is an exquisitely perfect dwelling for my soul. Everything about it is exactly as it should be. No other, anywhere, ever, could serve my soul as well.
I am not anything you can see with your eyes or touch with your hands. Should you judge me by that criteria, you will never know me.

I am not a dumping ground for bias that's based on a man-made standard, and I do not accept the prejudice it creates.

I am a union of body, mind and spirit, a trio, not a solo.

To know me, is to know yourself.

Those who hear the voice of their soul, recognize the song in mine. They do not stop at the front door and judge me by the dwelling in which I reside. With a humble sense of honor, they knock upon the door and ask to come in.

The judgment of others does not change who I am. Quite the opposite is true. It reveals who they are.

Those who deem me unworthy at a glance and pass me on by, have my blessing to keep walking, for they have a long way to go. They have not reached the point in their journey where they are able to see and appreciate me for who I am.

This is my new creed. I will settle for nothing less than everything. I will remain alone, proud and strong.