I did it again, will I never learn

I did it again. I allowed John back into my life and my heart. And once again he walked away. He finally called me starting in January, went to lunch to talk about issues he was having in his relationship. I talked to him as a friend and hope what I told him made sense. Of course I did not tell him that my heart was still his. A couple of weeks later he called at 4 am in tears. He said he needed to talk and of course I was not going to turn him away. When he got here, the first words from him were :Will you marry me?" I was shocked, elated,, scared, almost every possible emotion all at once. He told me that he has always loved me, and could no longer run from it. That he knows he has hurt me before but wants one more chance to prove his love. I should have known better. I should have said no, but I couldn't...I love him too much.
He moved in, and at first it was awesome. He gave me a wedding ring, saying it was to prove to me he is serious this time. They went into the safe, as the family would freak out of they knew. I hugged the knowledge close to my heart. Then he started to go silent, complain about my grandkids and me and my daughter yelling at them. He spent more time in our bedroom, either asleep or watching television. When I would come in to join him, he rarely spoke and often it was to tell me to leave him alone, that I was smothering him. He hated the kids being disrespectful of me and always talking back. One day he had enough and snapped. He did not become violent but he did go off on the oldest about the way he treated me. It was quite honestly the first and only time someone has stood up for me. My daughter went off on him for yelling at her son and the whole thing escalated out of control. My daughter took all the kids and left. Needless to say I was upset, but there was no reason for her to have left. He blamed himself, saying he had destroyed my family. I never blamed him for her decision. He told me a few days later he was going to spend the weekend at his brothers house to clear his head.  He called me a few hours after leaving for his brothers to tell me he was on his way home. He had not gone to see his brother and had never intended to. He was at the home of his ex instead. The first lie, but far from the last. Before he left me, he admitted that he had lied when he told me he was working overtime, and was at someone elses home. As my faith in him eroded, my fear grew and my own behavior changed. I could not love him the way he deserved. I became critical and yelled a lot.It was not anger but pain changing me.  

The kids came home and it was worse than ever. Over time it degraded so much that I threw my eldest grandson out. He needs help, which my daughter and his father refuse to get him. I have told them so but am ignored. He was awarded 60% disability from the army and we discussed what he was going to do with his back pay. I suggested making a list of the things he wanted to do and prioritize it. 
He had lunch with his sister in alw and visited with a friend the next day. A few days later John told me he was leaving after he got his back pay from his military disability.  I did not know he had already arranged to buy a home. When I found out I agreed to help him fix it up before he moved in. I cleaned the stove, pulled up carpet, baseboard, etc and did anything I could to help even as it broke my heart. He said that we would fix it up and try to work things out with the aim of eventually renting one out for extra income.
John moved out on June 2nd. On his birthday June 25th he showed up here to return a couple of things I had left at his new home, and he had another woman with him. He called me to ask me to come to his house and get the last of my things which I did,, hoping we could talk. Instead I found the other woman there, adn he told me she is moving in with him. 
It is just over a month since he left. I cry every day, I have never hurt so badly. I know I had to let him go but the pain is still there. I am blessed to have a few people I can talk to. I am worried about him as odd as that may seem. The woman he is with is the one he was with while we were apart last time. Since they are back together he has removed Christian from his profile and removed a quote he had up about God. All I can do is pray for him. That he will not lose his faith and his soul. I also pray for myself, just to survive this pain and maybe one day find love again.

Thirty days post op

I finally caved in and got my left hip replaced. I was only in the hospital overnight. Recovery is slow, painful and depressing. I am finally at least able to get in and out of bed without help. Took the last injection to prevent clots today, my belly is a mass of bruises but they will soon heal. Off the methadone for pain for over 2 weeks. It still hurts but not as bad as I had feared. Saw the surgeon and got my stitch out. Yup it was one long running stitch. Removal felt very odd but not at all painful.

1-13-12
Last week I lost 2 people I love. Joe and my great aunt Mable both passed away on Jan 5th. Mable died of old age. She was my grannies’ last sister. Only 2 boys remain of the ten siblings. She was a central part of what childhood memories I possess but I had not seen her since mom passed away. I did not even know she was gone until after her funeral. I really wish that the family I do have left would consider at least letting me know when someone is ill or passes away.

The other person I lost was Joe Hess. According to his cousin Joe died of an accidental overdose of pain meds. He and I had dated for a long time and were supposed to get married but split up a couple of years ago. I found out he had cheated and left him. We last spoke shortly before Christmas. He had married and was living in Austin. However he was not happy in his marriage or new home. He wanted another chance for us to work things out. Not only because of his past infidelity but also my feelings for John, I refused him. Now I wonder if I had taken him back would he still be alive. Guilt eats at me even though I know it was his time and in Gods hands alone. Despite his problems he had a good heart. His daughter Kaitlyn was the light of his life. I ache for her to lose her father at such a young age. I hope she always remembers how much he loved her. One of the best afternoons we had was when we took an entire afternoon to reconfigure a computer for her to use. I made the opening screen text telling her “Hello Kaitlyn, daddy loves you!“ I feel nothing for the woman he was married to.

My Aunt was buried in the same cemetery as mom, close to her side. She and Joe were both at the same funeral home at the same time. It is the same funeral home where I have said farewell to far too many family members. Joes wife had him cremated, as he had told me he wanted. I do not know where she will bury his ashes. I wish I did so I could go and tell him good bye one last time. Even though we had not seen each other in 2 years I will miss him horribly. I always knew, as did he that we were a phone call away and would always be there for each other. Losing them both hurts more than I can say.

I have tried to call and message John a couple of times with no response. I left him a voice mail yesterday telling him I was just checking in with people I haven’t spoken to in a while, as I lost 2 last week and never want to lose anyone else with them not knowing how much I care about them.

While I know he is working on himself, I also feel he is being selfish. He knows I want to help and refusing to even acknowledge my messages is nothing short of rude. Steven says he thinks that John is playing a game, since he texts me on holidays. I do not think so, but I am well aware that where he is concerned I am far from objective. Intermittently I get angry with him for not being here for me. I think that if he could see beyond his own pain he might get better quicker.

Tony keeps saying he loves me. To be honest it makes me very uncomfortable. I have a feeling that he is only saying it to try and get me into bed. There is so much I do not know about him, and he keeps coming up with reasons we can not spend more time together. Makes me suspicious, and maintain distance that he does not seem to want.

1-16-12
John logged into face book last evening and made 2 posts, one about ptsd and the other about war. I think it was his way of letting me know he is still fighting. I sent him a text simply saying thank you. I also posted on his PTSD post that we will get thru this together and promising never to let him down. Sometimes at night when I turn over its almost as if I can feel his arms around me. I miss him so much. Hopefully in time he will return to me and we can start over again. If not with the Grace of God I will still have a wonderful life.

A new year and new beginnings

First day of a new year. Managed 2.5 hours of sleep thanks to a 4 year old sleeping sideways in my bed and a bad case of swimmers ear. My daughters kitten decided he wanted to overturn and dump 35 ponds of litter then cover my ENTIRE bathroom floor in it! That was such fun to clean up!

Cooked corned beef with cabbage and potatoes for dinner. The 4 year old loves the veggies but not so fond of corned beef. The 2 year old loves corned beef and not the veggies.

The 10 year old made a trip to the E.R. with a case of pink eye. Please God none of the other kids catch it!

Tony has told me twice today that he loves me. I have no idea how he can say that this early in a relationship! I am not nearly to the place where I can even entertain the idea of letting anyone into my heart. I do not want to hurt him, please God help me navigate this mine field.

Started a new bible study and daily devotional today as well. The devotional is a verse or two and a story that illustrates how it applies to our lives. The story today was nearly identical to the last conversation that John and I had. It was about our inner fear that if anyone really knew us they would not only not be able to love us, but would in fact detest us. I couldn’t read it without hearing the words John had said in my head. It is no easier not having him in my life than the day he walked out. I have so much healing to do. I have given John to God in prayer, many time over. Perhaps I am praying for my will rather than Gods in his life. I need to truly release him to God, but after so many years how can I?

Still no

word aside from a generic Happy Thanksgiving. I must find a way to accept what is. I have gone out with 2 more guys. Same result as the first. Perhaps my standards are too high, or perhaps I am choosing them because I know they will not be what I want or need. All I know for sure is that I have to get past the pain. It is not healthy for the kids to see me crying so often, but there are times the sorrow and grief overwhelm we. I try to hide it from them as best I can.

Jackson will be 5 on Friday. I am creating a Thomas the tank engine cake for him. Madi will be 3 shortly after the new year, she wants a cake thats Dora the explorer. No surprise there! She will not be going into the PALS program after all. She tested as high normal in her functions. Heather is going to try and get her into head start. Never have I seen a child so anxious to go to school!

I had a routine CT on my spine 3 months ago to check the fusion and see if it is still solid. The fusion is solid, but they also found 2 lesions on my vertebrae. No idea what they are, was told anything from hemangioma to metastatic cancer. The follow up CT was done last week, and the lesions are GONE. Proof once again that God is working in my life. All my lab work was normal as well. Amazing!

Damn it all!

I am TRULY trying to get over the man who does not want a relationship with me. I have not been sleeping well, cry at the drop of a hat, but was slowly getting better. Talking to other men, even trying to flirt. Good for my ego that others show interest but my heart is still occupied. Today I accepted a date with someone else. We went out The new guy is nice, but all day I found myself wishing that he was not the one here with me. In my mind I compared the two, and the new guy lost on every single comparison. When he kissed me, I felt physically ill. I want no one else near me in any way that is even remotely intimate. It is unfair of me to even try to date anyone until I am truly over the other man. If I never get to that point, then so be it. As the movie Sweet Home Alabama says, "I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I never really got it back."

I remember why I encased my heart in ice,
My feelings were frozen within it.
It was the only way I could survive

You came back into my life.
The ice began to thaw at your voice, and your touch.
Dear Lord, please don’t let these feelings hurt too much.

I thought I had shed my last tear for you,
for what might have been, seems I was wrong.
Have I learned nothing in the intervening years?

I see your tortured memories
The heavy price you pay for being the man you were born to be.
They hurt so deeply your once loving heart has been frozen as mine was.
I am helpless, without a way to help you silence your demons.
I hurt all the more for your hurting.
As you begin to tell me bits and pieces a picture emerges.
We have only scratched the surface of this war.
I can only imagine the hell on this earth you have endured.
All I can do is, listen,
pray and cry silent tears as you finally sleep.
It doesn’t seem enough.
I want nothing more than to make your pain stop,
even if I must take it on myself.
Do I dare to dream that together we can melt the ice and heal.
Or will that dream too bring nothing but pain and sadness.

Did you return to show me again the pain of rejection?
Is there yet another lesson I must learn from you?
God give me the grace to accept what comes, to face my fear,
help me endure the pain and grant me the words to help him heal.

Still this beating heart of mine,
silence the dreams I dared to dream.
Replace them with Your love and acceptance,
not regret for what may never be.
I pray for your health,
That the burdens you carry be lifted
and the peace of God take their place.
I pray for my peace of mind.
And I pray for an unattainable the dream to die.

Confusion reigns

As I approach my 54th birthday, I find I am more confused than ever. I remain alone not because its what I want but because the man I feel drawn to does not want a relationship. He is doing is own healing and I must honor and respect that, even as it hurts. He mistakes my fear and hesitancy for pressure. Fear is too mild a word, abject terror is perhaps closer to what I feel. He says we will get thru this but I am not sure. I don't know how to lower my walls enough to allow him into my heart, much as I want to. There are other men available but it does not feel right in my soul to date them. I pray for guidance but none is forthcoming... so I wait.

My father passed away not quite a month ago and I think that is also a large part of my confusion. He was once of my abusers, but when I was small he was the best father anyone could have hoped for. I have a dichotomy of feelings about him. I mourn the father of my youth and am glad my abuser is no longer in this world to abuse again.

My daughter and her 4 children are living with me. Much as I love them, I think this was a huge mistake on my part. I like my home clean and neat, not spotless but lived in. They however have no problem living in filth. I am trying to keep the main part of the house orderly but can not stand their bedrooms any longer. I did one thing I hate and yelled at them all, telling them to clean the filth.

I am barely hanging on, waiting for a hip replacement. Part of my preop testing included a scan of my back to check the fusion. While it is solid, they discovered 2 areas of low density on other bones in my back. They are not sure what they are. Could be anything from a hemangioma, to metastasis of cancer yet undiscovered from elsewhere in my body. I have another scan done in November, to check for the spots growth. If they have grown, it is almost certainly cancer, and the search for its origin begins, if not most likely nothing to be concerned with.

Finally

My ex who tore my heart to shreds is bringing my things he has stored to my daughters this weekend. No longer will I have to pretend to consider him a friend. He hurt me, lied to me and cheated on me. Why on earth would he think I could ever consider him a friend after all that? He is one of the MOST self centered individuals it has been my misfortune to meet. While a part of me will always love him, for the things I thought he was, I also know he is toxic to me. I saw him as safe when he was anything but. Like my parents he is a narcissist. He believes the world and everyone in it should revolve around his wants, never sparing a thought for anyone else or how his behavior may affect them. Luckily his parents know nothing of the life he lives when out of their sight. I hope his daughters are as lucky. He is now moving in with a female he met on an adult site where they both had posted pictures of very private parts. He calls her a "Lady" but in my eyes she is anything but that. He expects me to be happy for him and be supportive, but there is no way I can or will do so. Then again, perhaps they deserve each other and will be as miserable as he once made me.
As for me, I am doing well. Still going to the gym and water aerobic classes. I failed to work out over the holidays and a deep depression got hold of me. I am shaking it off as best I can. I am determined to find happiness and relcaim my health. I don't care about the number on the scale, or the tag in my jeans. I want to be around long enough to love my great grandkids when I have some. For now, I will spoil the grandkids as much as I can.

Lots of changes

Since my last entry here. I joined a local gym in August and began taking water aerobic classes twice a week shortly there after. I have lost 36 inches and 35 pounds since then. I work out almost every day. I am eating better for the most part as well. My diabetes medication has been decreased. my goal is to get off of it totally and permanently. Not sure what precipitated such a change. I am sure part of it was allowing myself to get truly angry at what I have endured in my life. I blamed myself for everything and hid under layers of fat. No one could truly get close if I was hidden. I am done hiding. Done being a door mat. Done allowing others to tell me how I "should" think, feel or act. The past is gone, I was not to blame and I will never hid from the world again. Compliments used to scare me, send me running for the comfort of junk food, but no longer. Now I simply smile and say Thank you, and mean it. These are good changes for me. Who knows, I may actually grow into a full human being that I can totally love and accept one day. *giggles* Maybe someone else will know the me within and love me too. Miracles happen all around us every day. Why not?

14 months?

Hard to believe I have not made an entry here in 14 months. Time flies when you get older. The past months have not been wasted. I am still very much a work in progress, but can see a big change in me. I no longer allow myself to be a doormat for others. I still try to help when and where I can, but I only do so when I can.

I have a new grand child. A beautiful girl named Madisyn Paige joined my family on Jan 7th of this year. She is doing well, growing like a weed. Jackson is getting therapy and attends a special needs preschool twice a week. He is talking a mile a minute, and acts very much like a normal 2 year old. The ventricle in his brain is larger than it was a few months ago, so we are watching him closely for any signs that the pressure in his brain is increasing. Jordan played basketball in a county league this winter. He was more intererested in flirthing with the girls than playing. Toby also played basketball and did very well. He enjoys the game, and it s good for him. He is now on 3 medications to control his ADHD. So far, so good. My daughter is planning to have a lap band procedire done to help her lose weight. It seems such a drastic step, but she has a very large amount to lose and it should help her.

I am now on medication to help control my diabetes. As much as I dislike medication, it is helping. I have not lost much weight in the past 14 months, about 10 pounds. My doctor is not happy about that and neither am I. The last month or so I am trying harder to lose, and being more careful of what I eat.

I am much happier now than I was 14 months ago. I still struggle with my past, but it is easier. O look at my childhood, how I felt and am truly proud of my progress. I have had no flashbacks as of late. I am better about standing up for myself, and my self esteem has risen. I am celibate, by choice. My molestation made me feel like I was not human. I was nothing but an object, unworth of love, to be used for one thing and one thing only. The right man is worth waiting for. I do not deserve to be used and thrown aside. With Gods help I will remain celibate until I find the man He means for me. If there is not one, then so be it.

Taking care of me

is something I have never been good at. Always too busy watching out for everyone else around me, putting myself last. That has changed. For once I have begun to put my wants and needs first, and to take better care of myself. This blog is part of that.

6 months ago, my doctor told me my diabetes was out of control, my good cholesterol too low, bad cholesterol too high and if I didn't change my ways I was not going to live long. I am ready to meet my maker, but want to be around for my daughter and grandsons as long as I can. So I actually listened. I have made a concerted effort to eat healthier, and move my butt a bit more.

I went for a check up yesterday. To my surprise I cut my bad cholesterol in half, increased my good cholesterol, got my diabetes under much better control, and dropped 45 pounds in the process. I am truly proud of myself. I stopped on the way home and bought the exercise ball and video my doctor suggested. At the moment I am a bit sore from my first work out. Its a great kind of sore though.

Baby steps. One at a time. Taking care of me. Novel concept. Scary. The doctor wants another 45 pounds gone in the next 6 months. That would have me weighing less than since I was 20, when I got pregnant with my daughter. As much as the idea of being attractive and fit scares me, I will not run from it this time. I will protect myself, and do what is best for me.

Change is the only constant....

Jackson is doing well after his surgery. He uses his left side much more than he was. He is pulling up, walking holding onto furniture. Hes talking more as well. The major concern now is that he has stopped growing and has lost a little weight. He is getting supplements every day to increase his caloric intake. If this continues they will be forced to put him thru more tests to find the cause. All I can do is pray.

My friend in NC stopped speaking to me right before Christmas. I had no idea why, but he told me last night that he was hearing things about me. Things that are untrue and hurtful. I have asked him to tell me who said them, but he refuses. He also told me he has been seeing someone here locally, and has been to the area 10 times or so. Not once did he call me, or ask if I wanted to meet. I am hurt, confused. From asking me to stay there during the trial, to not wanting to even meet me. I am so sad, it seems the lies have cost me a precious friendship. We may still talk, but never again will we be so close as we were not so long ago.

I am truly happy he has found someone to bring laughter back into his life. I hope she treats him as he deserves to be treated.

As for me, I will remain alone. Joe called a couple weeks ago, begging for another chance. He said he lost the best thing he ever had when he let me leave him. I prayed about it and agreed to meet him this weekend. I now know it would never work. He won't admit his drinking is a problem, and refuses to even discuss stopping. I deserve better than a drunk.

Death claimed another friend. Not someone I was close to, but I wonder if I will be next. That doesn't sound like a horrible thing. I am in no hurry, but I am most certainly ready. My blood sugars are back under control. Not perfect yet, but my doctor should be pleased.

Just when you think

life can't get any crazier, it does.

Since my last posting a lot has happened. My family has been not so united in deciding my fathers care. I suggest an Alzheimers care facility, my brothers response was to ship dad from sibling to sibling. Now he is considering my suggestion, after watching dad become more agitated and ready to take off again. To be honest as long as he is kept safe,and not taken advantage of, I don't care what they do.

Death has claimed another person in my life. Don was my friend, my lover and one of the best men I have ever known. He reminded me that there are honest and loving people in this world of madness and pain. A lesson I will never forget. He collapsed and died of a massive heart attack while folding newspapers. I could not bring myself to go to the funeral. I want to remember him the way we were. I am glad that I told him I loved him the last time we spoke. No regrets there, but I miss my friend.


The day after Don died, we found out my youngest grandson, Jackson, would have to have a shunt placed in his brain. he was diagnosed prenatally with hydrocephalus, but had needed no treatment until now. He had the surgery last Friday and spent his first birthday on Sunday in the hospital. He wasn't allowed to eat until yesterday, as he had been vomiting since surgery. My poor little man. He has about 20 stitches in the back of his head, and 8 in his tummy. Heather never left his side during the entire ordeal. Shes stronger than she knows. I am so very proud of the woman my daughter has become.

I have been

remiss at posting here lately. Perhaps because my emotions have been in turmoil, and I have no idea what to say. My father has Alzheimer's disease, and lives with my elder brother in Florida. Somehow, he managed to get the keys to a car, and take off. He was found about 24 hours later in a small town just north of Chattanooga, Tenn. He had managed to shred the tires on the car by driving off the road and thru a field to get to a truck stop. He thought he was in Perry county, Ky and close to his sisters home. He reeked of urine, and had clearly not slept. God was watching over him, and the people who run the truck stop were his guardian angels. They knew something was wrong, and talked to him. They let him call his sister, and they called the local police. The tags on the car came back as a missing person, and they managed to keep him there until the police arrived. They also went out and bought him a fresh outfit of clothes, and stayed with him until my brother arrived. They even picked my brother up at the airport and took him to my father. They gave my brother a hat, which reads "Relax, GOD is in control" How very appropriate. I did not sleep the entire time he was missing. I cried rivers of tears, praying he would be safe and not hurt himself or anyone else. I have no desire to see him, but it is important he be safe. Makes no sense, but perhaps in time it will.

Birthdays have never been a source of stress to me. I turned 50 last week, and for some reason it bothers me. I am getting old, alone. I miss having someone special to talk to, cuddle up with and share the good and bad of each day. I know I will probably remain alone for the rest f my life and that hurts. This is not the life I want, and I am struggling to accept it.

My friend in NC is doing better. He had started drinking again, and spent 2 days in the hospital with internal bleeding. He went to an AA meeting last night. I hope and pray he stays sober this time. The trial for his daughters murderer begins in late March. He has asked me to come stay with him during that time, and I am honored to do so. I can' t imagine how hard that will be for him. If I can bring him any small measure of comfort with my presence then that is where I need to be.

Death

is as much a part of life as breathing. Why then does it hurt so much to lose those we love? My cousin, Adam died a week ago today. Barely 46 years old, gone. We had not been close for a long time, but as kids we were inseparable. He was like my younger punk brother. He gave me my first black eye, and I gave him his. Despite being raised in church, he was always the rebel of his family. He joined the navy to try and straighten his life out. It worked, to a degree. The past couple of years were the best for him. He has a good job, was back in church and seemed genuinely happy. His daughters are grow, beautiful young women that both look ever so much like him. His mother is my mothers sister. She looks so much like mom its almost scary. Of course the family all came in for his funeral. Including the uncle who was the first to molest me. No memory returned, but when he hugged me I felt total revulsion. I wanted to run from him, but there was no where to go. Everyone asked after my father, and appeared shocked I have not seen him in over 7 years. They still hold him in high esteem, they don't know the monster he truly is within. It would change nothing to tell them, and would only hurt the family I love. I made it thru the funeral, with only some nightmares afterwards, which have now subsided. Theres a hole in my heart where Adams memory will live forever.


My friend in North Carolina is at last getting the help he needs. He was admitted to the psychiatric ward yesterday near his home. I know the courage it takes to ask for help, and I am so glad he has done so at last. Perhaps now he can truly begin to heal. He called last night, frightened and unsure as to if he had done the right thing. He asked if I would still talk to him, or if I, like most everyone else in his life, would walk away. I hope I was able to reassure him that my friendship and love are his for eternity.

Things around the house are not good. My clothes dryer broke last week, so I am having to wash clothes then hang them in the bathroom to dry. My hot water was out for a bit over 24 hours, but it is back working now. I think I can afford to buy a new dryer on Friday when I get paid. I tried to find the part to fix the one I have, but the part is almost as expensive as a new dryer, and more so if I have it installed. Lifes little challenges appear, but I can't allow them to get my down.

My diabetes is nearly under control at last. Not where it should be, but much better than it was. With continued proper eating and exercise it will be okay. Strange things make it shoot up, but I am eliminating them from my diet as I discover what they are. One good thing is that I have lost 4 pounds by being more careful with my food choices.

Each day a new reason

to be grateful. My friend in N.C. is doing well. 2 more chemo treatments and he can begin to face life as a survivor. His doctors are diligent, making sure all is well for him. Thank you Lord for guiding them, and for helping him. We spoke last night, and he knows I wish I could do more for him. He says prayer is the most important thing he needs, and he knows he has mine. Lord, keep him safe and bless him.

My sister has come back to Indiana from Florida. Living with my sister in law, brother and father was untenable. For now she is staying with her boyfriends parents. I hope she can find your peace, and the happiness she deserves. We have not been close since she was young. I pray that can change as well.

I have resisted the temptations that have plagued me lately. I hope I can continue to do so. I miss the touch of a man, but I also know I am not nearly healed enough to consider a relationship other than friends. Perhaps in time I will be, perhaps not. I leave it in Your hands, Father. If I am meant to be alone, I hope I can find the courage and strength to accept that without complaint. You know its not my desire, but You know what is best.

I think I have figured out why my mother was so hard on me when I was growing up. I was a daily reminder of what her brother was. Was that why she turned a blind eye to my brothers abuse? Could she just not face that her family was so messed up? There are no answers for me in this life, but the questions haunt me.

My brother told me he could,"just tell" by things my father does that I told the truth about his molestation. What things has he done or said to show them the truth? Does it even matter? Does anything?

Self destructive...

behaviors have been part of my life always. Drugs and alcohol are no longer part of my world, but it still continues. My poison of choice now is food. It always has been a problem, but I must gain control to keep my diabetes under control. To fail is a form of slow suicide. I have been working hard to find alternate ways to comfort myself, and am doing fairly well. Reading, praying, singing and writing are all wonderful outlets. I find myself turning to them more lately. My blood sugar is still too high, but I will regain control. I find myself frustrated when I eat what I think is a healthy meal, and my sugar spikes. In the past I would have used that an an excuse to eat more, now it fuels me to do something constructive.


Of course sex will always be an issue for me. I have avoided thinking about it, but the past few days temptations swirl around me almost nonstop. My youth made me view sex as nothing, meaningless. I have taught myself better than that. It has meaning, and that is best expressed in a loving relationship. I have promised myself I will never again be used as a piece of flesh and nothing more. Society has devalued it to the point of it being a physical act, devoid of more. I can not allow myself to fall backwards into that trap. I deserve better. God help me, I will not fail and undo the progress I have made.

I feel I have turned a corner in my life. In realizing my parents failings, I have healed a part of myself I didn't realize was wounded. I saw my mothers attitude towards me as my failings, proof I was not good enough. Now I see it was her failing, not mine.

Silver linings...

Do exist. The liver cancer has been confirmed, surgery done, chemo and radiation started. 6 days in the hospital, but he is home at last. While the diagnosis is devastating, there is hope. All things are possible, and I pray without ceasing for a healing of this wonderful friend. I have shed oceans of tears in the past week, all numbered and meaningful to my Lord.


Friends are the most precious things in the world to me. My family of birth taught me negative things, but from my friends I learn all the good. Illness shows who your true friends are. I don't think I would have survived this past week without Kris to lean on. She can even understand my speech when I am sobbing.

Worry...

lays about my shoulders like a lead cloak of sadness. The worry is not for myself, but for someone I hold close to my heart. He has had more troubles than any human should in the past year. Now as it seems to be passing, his health is failing. The doctors have told him to get his affairs in order. Today they are doing a biopsy to confirm his diagnosis of inoperable liver cancer. He is the man who proved to me that there are good and honest men on this planet. The thought of losing him devastates me. I can only imagine how great his sorrow and his daughters is now. I would take his place if it were possible. God, give me the strength to do anything I can for them. Let him know Your Love and mercy. Keep him safe, let this all be a horrid mistake, or a nightmare from which we will awaken. I wish I was in North Carolina with him now, so he would know his friends won't desert him when he needs us most. He thought he had it all, great family, friends, money and most important of all, You. In the end only You matter.